life according to expiration dates

i realized something this morning. something rather profound, at least by my standards.

i was having breakfast before heading out to the kiln to begin another day of loading. it was a nice, early meal. potato pancake with banana, cinnamon, honey and pecans. it was very tasty. i also decided to have some coffee this morning, and so the usual milk and honey were quick to follow in the cup.

while sitting at the table, with ambient trance music playing in the background, the empty milk carton caught my eye. i looked at the expiration date to see, rather happily, the date was over a week in the future. but then what immediately entered my mind was the format of the date. 11/15/2009. it struck me right then and there that we are near the close of a year. we are in the eleventh of twelve months. this was startling to me because when i record thoughts in my journals, i write out the months. the numerical are seldom ever used. the '11' struck me with an overwhelming sense of closure. that this year is winding down.

what made this so significant to me was what occurred during this year. i remember having coffee with a friend, anna, in the last week of december last year. i was scared, depressed and still quite uncomfortable with the navigation of my life. but anna is someone rather rare in this world. an oasis in the midst of desert. she carries with her an optimism and trust in the universe that i have yet to see emulated in others. she told me to simply begin the next day without fear. just begin. the next day will be what you make it. and from that day, i have done so. it ebbs and flows. it isnt constant. it was timely because the new year was only two days away- it coincided wonderfully with a new start. so i began this year with the belief that life could and would be different. that through my thoughts and energy, i would create something new.

in this past year i have taken classes at a community college. studied ceramics at an art school. taught students at summer camps. was spared from a catastrophic car accident. and now am living with a potter and pursuing a passion which only over this past year has become something very dear to me. and this is only the tangible stuff. this past year has been an enormous growth on a personal level. my very ideas of self have changed dramatically. i have found my courage, ambition, hope and peace. i have come to accept events. have come to know god.

so looking at the '11' on the milk carton made me realize what can be done in a year. that we can completely change ourselves in a matter of 11 or 12 months. really, it only takes a day. but when that day stretches into months, one begins to have a sense of truly altering themselves. i feel like a very different person. or better put, the same person with a very different mindset.

over the past few weeks, i have been writing a lot about 'time'. it has been fascinating for me to place ourselves in this current of seconds and weeks and years. to understand our lives as a couple decades of existence. and now recently, to show that we can be whoever we wish to be. it may take weeks or months or years. but to begin, you must only start today. or tomorrow if you enjoy procrastinating.

be at peace. find love. experience time.
the universe is one.
we are one.

what... i'm in arkansas?

its somtimes weird to think about the things i am doing. to wake up in a potters home. to be a thousand miles from home. to be... alive.

i would have never guessed that i would be sitting here, this morning. the mountains of arkansas sloping and rising all around me. the wintering sun rising above the trees. practicing a tradition which has accompanied mankind for thousands of years. living with a potter. with one month to go. who'd of guessed? my life has progressed in ways which most everyone who knew me, would have hardly believed. i too am rather surprised at times. but as i live with myself, i realize i am very much the same person. the dramatic changes over the past three or so years were the result of breaking away from a lifestyle which i didnt want. everything else has been the result of me figuring the rest out. beneath this change lies the same person. it isnt that the person changed- but rather that person broke from the shackles which constrained him. the difference between then and now is the lack of chains.

even so, waking up in the home of a potter, and realizing the things which are being done over the next two weeks...

but this is all part of me. of doing things. of observing. of experiencing. of seeing. of touching and tasting and feeling. (i gotta give a shout out to smelling as well.) it is all experiential. i wont be collin forever, so i might as well enjoy it now.

bend and not break

i dont feel very grounded in myself. the past few days, i have been feeling rather 'out of it'. i am competant and still capable of doing the things which need to be done- but my sense of self seems rather erroded. not really erroded, just kind of misplaced. i guess those thing which i have clung to, are the things which i describe myself as. and without those things, my identitiy seems crumbled. when i forget the past which i have lived. when i lose sight of the decisions and why i made them. when i forget the things i value. when i neglect those who care for me. when these things happen, i lose sense of who i am. because, i think, these things are me. they are my identity. the way in which we refer to ourselves is what makes us who we are. our identity is not a singular thing. it is whatever we decide, or dont, to think we are.

so when i dont rememebr all the things i wish to. when i dont have some of the whos and whats and whens in which to identify myself, i soon lose sight of who i want to be. this happens, undoubtedly for many reasons. this time, perhaps, because of the changes which have been taking place over the past few days. new people, new goals, new things. and when there is a lot of new stuff, there are lots of new ways to describe ourselves.

i know who i want to be. where i want to go. but i guess i long to remember these things in vivid detail, even when my mind is better suited to working on other things. things which are more relevent to the moment of now.

and when i am in these moments, i notice that i cling to things which seem to being me back to myself. things like a cup of coffee, food or a cup of tea. i am often an insatiable eater when i lose sight of myself. when i feel a lot of distnace from the harbor which i call myself, i wish to indulge in things. thinking that the luxury of fullfilling my desires will somehow connect me to who i think i am.

a large part of this topic is about something much more broad. it is about the very classification of 'self'. from my understanding, i think many people cling to a sense of identity. we believe that this is who we really are. but time does a funny thing with this concept of self. the hours and days and months and years soon evolve this understanding of self. ones identity is not a concrete thing. we continually change. we are not the same person from years ago. nor will we be the same in 10. everything about this thing we call 'self' can and does change. some people are able to hold onto a very narrow definition of self. and they can somtimes carry this with them through all their years, and die with it. but others, and i do believe i am speaking also about myself, others allow for self to change. in a larger scope, i understand that who i was 3 years ago is someone and something very different from who i am now. and if all this happened in 3 years, i only imagine how different i could be in 50. these changes i am thinking about arent superficial. i am not talking about ones favorite color. where one hopes to travel. these things will undoubtedly change as we age and experience the things we previously desired. i guess what i am feeling here is 'someone' very different. i havent been this engaged in anything for the better part of 3 years. i am realizing that my entire identity changes when i become so involved in something. i am no longer, temperarily, the collin who has decided to make sculpture and travel. what i felt twenty minutes ago was something less 'identifiable'. i simply feel as though a participant. with my days revolving around something external. this is something different to me.

i dont really consider myself a selfish person. but i do consider myself someone who pays a lot of attention to himself. by this i mean, i think a lot of about my ambitions, my relationship to the universe, and on and on. in this way, by thinking about my identity, i am self-absorbed. i think about how my actions will be percieved by others. i think about my thoughts. i think about the the thinking of my thoughts. some have said i am too cerebral and overthink situations. this is simply to state that i am someone who puts a lot of thought into the things i do, and the things i am a part of. so to working towards a common goal... firing this kiln and living amongst a whole new group of people- it is a lot for me. i dont have the time to think about myself.

perhaps i am a little too preocupied with my thoughts. i am finding this to be true over the past few days, where my energy has been needed for a goal which is external to myself. for the past 3 years, i have spent the vast amount of my time sculpting the person i want to be. and now, within a matter of a few months, i find myself not having the time to continue with this. my thoughts and energy are needed for something else. it feels like survival mode. hoping into gear. you know... when the going gets tough, the tough get going. in some respects i like what is happening. it is allowing me to see that i dont need to function at the level of introspection that i have for the past few years. it is showing the flexibilty of self. i can be someone who is devoted to something, and loses sight of himself, or i can be someone so rigid as to not lose sight of myself through extreme difficulty. i can be rigid. and i can bend. now, my goal is to find a balance between the two. if the winds blow hard, it is helpful to be able to flexible. and yet when there is not, having a strong sense of self is wonderful.

so understand, collin, that you are not permenantly losing yourself. you are instead experienceing a whole new aspect of ourself. the autopilot. the subconscious. the flexible. you are still experienceing you. it just turns out that you arent accustomed to experiencing this part of you. the part of you which is able to bend and flow and be what is needed at the time.
you cant be rigid and flexible at the same time.

my first fossils!

recently, a large truck delevered a load of stone which was dug from a riverbed. unfortuntely the company was destrying the habitat so they could get to sand which was below. they are commercial sand distributors, and this mass of rock and dirt was a byproduct of getting to the sand. after a few rains, all the small stones and dirt washed away, leaving a plethera of rocks to admire. i found a few like this, with small fossils of distant marine animals. many shells, and a few very interesting shapes. i am excited by this find.

happy november

today marks a beginning. if you will take the time to read my previous posting, you will see what i mean. a celebration of life. acknowledging that i am entering, along with all creations upon this planet, a new month. we are only blessed with a handful of months. our novembers are limited. and so today, with rejoice, i say "happy november". we can raise our glasses and with warm hearts open a new passage in our lives. we only have 70 summers. 70 winters. 70 novembers. so enjoy them. rejoice in them. acknowledge the passage of time, the only thing we have in this existence. we have time, if we are fortunate. what we do with that time is what defines as people.

happy november everyone.

passage of time

i am pleased for the month of october to be coming to an end. today marks the thirtieth. tomorrow will mark the close. often, we swiftly pass onto the next month with little thought. but with a slower pace of life, one begins to look at such transitions with more interest. i guess perhaps, i have the time to put this transition into perspective.

i have been realizing, rather obviously that there is only one october in a year. and if we are fortunate, we may see the likes of 70 years. that means only 70 octobers. and with this being my 21st, the process of time beings to make itself know. these transitions which we rush through because of the pace of our lives, are some very valuable 'mile markers'. just as markers along the highway give us an estimate of where we are physically, the transitions which we see as years and months place us in the timeline of life. 70 of something isnt all that much. imagine, only 70 new years eve parties? only 70 christmases? 70 birthdays.

this way of thinking puts emphasis on everyday. each and every sunrise marks the passage of time which brings us closer to the next journey. each day is a gift to do something. it is a chance to appreciate and observe the existence which we have.

so today, on october 30th of the year 2009, i am appreciative of the transition to a new month which will soon be occurring. my 21st november. it is interesting to think of our calenders in this way. to realize that i will only every have 70 october 30ths.

this is very humbling, i think. to look at life in this way is very peaceful to me. it informs me to enjoy the joyful times, and to realize that the difficult times will soon pass.

thank you universe.

Tidbit

The way to do something well, is not to do it fast.

found on a tree

sculptor

ideally, i think i would like to be a 'social' artist. by that i mean, i want my creations to be made of people and of ideas. it is a bit ambiguous to me as well.... but i want to shape society through ideas. through positive change. through sharing beauty. by being kind. it is kind of a social experiment to see how much i can change the world. and whatever ways require for me to support myself will be my profession. i guess my career has become second in importance to simply doing the things i want to do.

torrent

my mind feels heavy from thought.

the clouds which separate me from the sun seems to cast a shadow within my mind. creating a heavy blanket which my thoughts cannot escape. they seem to just stay there. in the corners. and they keep popping up. there is a swirl of thoughts, but not cycling at a rapid speed. slow, but its there.

it isnt all that bad. but i will say that i dont feel present. i dont feel physical. i just feel mental. my thoughts seem so heavy. perhaps drenched from the rain.

yes, i think so. when there is sunshine i usually dont feel this way...

this way is where all my thoughts are right in my mind at once. i can see everyone and everything every thought. my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my truths, my questions... all these things are right on the tip of my mind.

i think living more or less solitary can bring about this phenomenon. it is an interesting, although at times mildly uncomfortable experiment. after all, what happens to the mind when it is isolated? when daily conversation exists more with oneself than it does with the world around you? this is what i believe i am experiencing. it isnt talking to yourself. that is too superficial a description. it is more of a neuroses. you become dependent upon your own thoughts to bring you comfort. so little variety exists in the day-to-day, that we create variety within.

i am rambling, this is true. i realize that being isolated effects you. it is one of those things that starts to accumulate as you experience it over longer lengths of time. we must shake it, as though a dog coming in from the rain. we must loosen all this moisture from us. we must break that pattern accumulation. truthfully, we dont have to. i want to. i am.

i am breaking it by sitting here and explaining myself. i am becoming present. as i type and move to the music of 'fat john'. to those of you who think this a funny combination, your understanding of fat john is probably presumptuous. gander a listen.

still, there are lots of thoughts swirling around. concepts regarding the universe. physical laws. metaphors. events. emotions. meaning. strife. change. future. past. now. i am thinking about people. animals. cycles. planets. weather. oceans. life. consciousness. beauty. art. creation. the macro. the micro. the middle. the happy. the sad. the tragic. the gestapo. the hero. in my mind are the ants. the bears. the trees. the flowers. hearts. livers. brains. fingers. i see travel. atmospheres. movement. god.

these things are all part of me. for some reason they all exist within my mind. and i think, i truly do, that there is purpose to all these things. their interrelationships coming ever so slowly. building up with momentum. flowing quickly- the torrent of my reality.