sometimes with bad spellin

what goes on here? my wuestions keep eroding this wall, keep raining upon the sanstone of consciousness. byt it feels sometimes that no amount of rain will errode such things. that no amount of questioniong , no amount of learning will allow one to discover the truth. sometimes i really do wonder about it all. all my questions. all my thoughts. all my feelings. all my tiredness. all my fear. all my hope.

i think about consiousnes and stars and trees. i ponder what we exist for. i poinder about direction for the universe. i wonder if there might be something. i am finding that there might be, but i am also a bit fearfuul of it. it is so new. it is so pwerful. it is all so different.

my mind gets overwhelemd by life sometimes. all the things circle around, intertwining with other things, complicating existance. my mind gets foggy osmetimes. my mind gets crazy feeling semetimes. i lose sense of things sometimes. i dont know where i am headed. i dont know where things will go and how they will play ound i know this is true for everyone but it is personal now. it is me and not the person down the street. i get lost in my mind soemtimes- thinking and wondering and overthinking. reality seems like something foreign sometimes. life seems so cimplex sometimes. the ability to control ones thoughts and emotions sees as though iam scalling a sheer cliff with tno harness or safety net. it feels dangerous just living sometimes.

the mind is s universe all its own. it is a thing so complex. there is so much to grasp. there is so much to understand. i feel as though it something to tame... a wild beast in the forest. it sometimes feels like just such a thing. and if i dont tame it, i will be taken over by it... it will attack me. sometimes i get really caught up in my mind. my mind can keep me up for hours. i can build huge amounts of anxiety and fear from my mind.

but my mind can also let me see the sun and moon and trees. it can let me see smiles. it can alow me to feel and experiecne incrediable things. it can allow for me to think things through and acasionaly offer amazing bits of understanding. sometimes i can feel so present and alive in the world. other times i can feel as though i am part of a drab painting with little of interest, including myself. at these points life and consiousness and flowers and trees and planets and all the incredible things of this physical universe... they seem so uneventful. things seem useless. and seomtimes i get really worried about the future while i am in this place. and this combination is a nasty mathematical equation... depression + anxiety = a really unhelathy persepctive of the world and life.and sometimes i get that. not all the time though. sometimes i dont. but now it seems like i am woeking in that mindset, existing in the world. it is intereseint, i think, that the world doesnt change, but everything i lay my eyes on or think about... all the physialthings seem so different. ones perspective morphs the world around them. doesnt actually chagne the things, by changes that way though our perspections percieand the way our minds program reality. when the minds deppressed that world becomes depressed. the glass of water becames lifeless. the man mowing the lwn next door becomes the most irritating thing imaginable. the clouds blocking the sun becaome a mirror to your emotions- the grayness permiating throug your thoughts. i do beleive that ones persepctive creates their reality. on person can see beauty the other can see trash. but this is a poor example. our perception defines the things around us. when we are depressed the world is depressed, because the way we see the world is a direct refelection of the way we exist as ourselves.

i dont know whats happening.