The Universe Is One

The Process of Becoming Different.

2011-12-29T14:06:00.001-05:00

I read about something quite fascinating this afternoon. Carved into a mountain in the Sierro Diablo Range exists a clock. It's designed to function without any human involvement for the next 10,000 years.

Now what?

10,000 years is a really long time. 8000 B.C.E. Egyptians were teaching themselves how to domesticate cats and humans were 1400% less populous than now. The Bronze Age had yet to come. Humanity as we understand it is altogether different. The existence of time allows us to evolve. 10,000 years ago we evolved in less conscious ways than we do today. Because of our human history we are capable of more powerful thinking than in the past. Now we have the ability to consciously think about alternatives, plan for long-term situations, and redefine what long-term means to us. For The Long Now Foundation, 10,000 years is a good start.

A lot of stuff can happen in such a large period of time. We've learned that life is not guaranteed to anyone or anything; it is something which occurs and ceases. The flow of time can be interrupted by an endless number of situations ranging from microscopic to astronomic. Continuing life on Earth, especially human life, will require our smartest people to foresee calamity before it occurs. We must become a species with hyper-awareness. It's no longer permissible for us to learn by mistake. We must anticipate mistakes and take action which proactively eliminates hardship. We must grow up.

When I think about our species in the coming years, I think of two things. First and foremost is the scale of humanity on Earth. We have occupied or altered almost every environment on the planet. This now means that we are responsible for the management of all these environments. Just as a child transitions to adolescence and becomes aware of the responsibilities of adulthood, so too must humanity recognize our growing presence on Earth. If we hope to move beyond the boundaries of our solar system, we must first learn how to live on Earth. We must create our own path.

The second topic which comes to mind is a powerful force which defines an inherent quality of our universe. It goes by many names and yet is exceptionally simple. It is the concept of change, a thing which is everywhere and within everything at all times. Nothing in our universe is static. If it appears to be unchanging, you're likely observing too closely. Zoom further out, or in, and you will notice the Universe continually evolving, re-evolving. Life on Earth follows this same trajectory. 4.5 billion years has evolved Life on Earth to what we experience and are. Now our species is capable of harnessing the power of change. Simply look at the curves which represent technological advancement: In almsot every field which technology touches, change is created. Technology is a tool that we have created which allows us to consciously evolve ourselves and other things. It is a tool which has no known limits; it is multi-functional, multi-faceted and also hints at possessing self-sustained evolution. With this tool, humanity's future will undoubtedly look nothing like our past. Uncomfortable for many, it will also be foreign from the present.

Accepting that everything changes can be troubling. Our brains are wired for routine. Then again, they're only wired that way because that's the way we have used them in the past. We must become comfortable with change because life on Earth needs to change. And it needs a lot of change, quickly. It sounds traumatic to infuse a system with so much change, but we dont have much of a choice. We industrialized ourselves without understanding the other variables, we must now make up for lost time: creating balance on a global scale. The act of creation is one of the most powerful forces in the Universe. We will do it, we must. After all, the clock is ticking. But this time it's counting up.

Happy New Year!

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For Fun:

Humans possess a lot power, especially when we work together. If every human on Earth spent one hour per day working towards global balance, for a total of two weeks, we would amass more hours than exist in 10,000 years.

The clock is paid for by Jeff Bezos; a $42,000,000 gift. Thanks Jeff!

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Further Reading:
The 10,000 Year Clock
The 10,000 Year Explosion: How Civilization Accelerated Human Evolution.

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Credit:
Photo: Collin Cavote, United States Virgin Islands, St. Croix.

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The Occupation has Begun.

2011-11-19T11:29:00.003-05:00

VIVE LA REVOLUTION!

The message during my midnight visit with Occupy Allentown was sort of like that. I went to 7th & Hamilton to visit our tent city which is representing the global phenomenon: OCCUPY.

US media has advertised the assemblages of tents and flannel to be little more than outcasts seeking community; but then again, US media is a component to the cycles which OCCUPY is actively protesting.

So... what does OCCUPY look like beneath the tents and posters? I found it to be a web of people connected in cause, a cause which now has 2,609 registered communities in 82 countries: A cause which has branched from a larger and more profound movement.

Slightly more than one year ago, December 18th of 2010, in a small country in northern Afrika, technology was used by humans in effort to seek change. In one month Tunisian citizens dissolved their political police, ousted the ruling political party and overthrew the president and prime minister. Last month the Tunisian Constituant Assembly was created which is overseeing governance until the General Election is held.

It had an effect: Arab Spring.

In less than a year, humans- which for generations have suffered oppression in ways most American's are incapable of grasping, have used the power of unity to bring about revolutionary change in a predominantly peaceful manner. I am of the mindset that we are witnessing and interacting with a significantly important moment in the history of humankind. It may be one of the topics in a future history book- 'Global Evolution: Aided by Technology'.

Who is OCCUPY? While having coffee with two masked occupants at 2 A.M., I sought to understand what in their lives brought them to reside in a tent city. In conversation: after getting past the anger they have towards our political/industrial/economic system, I was able to grasp what seemed to be the real reason for their protest.

Homo sapiens started to form sounds into language more than 200,000 years ago. Since then we've also learned to create symbols which can be applied to thin sheets of paper. Basically, we've had a lot of time to talk & write about things. So how is it that approximately 2 billion people will be effected by a changing climate which may impair their ability to grow food, diminish safe drinking water, worsen sanitation and amplify disease? Why haven't we figured this stuff out already? The things which OCCUPY are doing in front of our eyes- in city centers around the world- seems to be appealing for a humanity that isn't self-destructive. The sabotage of financial systems is not cool. The illusion of smooth-running government is long over. People want their voice back. The real question becomes... Who is going to listen?

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The 1789 Declaration of the Rights of the Man and the Citizen, a document used in the French Revolution, captures the most clear message of OCCUPY:

"Liberty consists of being able to do anything that does not harm others: thus, the exercise of the natural rights of every man or woman has no bounds other than those that guarantee other members of society the enjoyment of these same rights."

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OCCUPY calls home to Australia, Belgium, Canada, Colombia, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Israel, Italy, Malaysia, Mongolia, New Zealand, Republic of Ireland, South Korea, Switzerland, and the United Kingdom.

Other Reading:
Arab Spring
Liberté, égalité, fraternité

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Halloween Nor'easter

2011-10-30T16:46:00.010-04:00

Snow is in the air!

Well, sort of. The snow stopped last night, in the subdued light which only a fresh blanket of white, reflective powder will create. Even now, during the afternoon hours of the next day, snow is very much floating around. It’s in conversation: Everywhere.

Facebook has been a media outlet for the storm. Interestingly, we don't name these things yet. One thing which certainly can be said about the nor’easter which brought up to 31.4’’ of snow: it obliterated any sense of seasonal climate stability. This is the biggest storm to occur in the Northeast in October since the United States began recoding this type of information, in 1869. To those interested in weather, it’s kind of a big deal.

Here’s why:

A changing climate can be reduced to any variety of change. It’s the global environment so it’s really important, but in it’s most primary sense we’re only talking about something evolving. It's the same kind of change which you experience in day-to-day life. With a little introspection, I think we all know that most changes in life can be very hard and seldom occur within a perfectly straight course. Change, when it’s big, usually occurs gradually and ruggedly. Changing a structure; be it our minds, bodies, or even our environment; are all things which don't change instantaneously or homogeneously. Such things take time.

Unconsciously, our planet wants to warm up. It’s seeking equilibrium, and doing so means transferring heat through the atmosphere. When we experience changing climate as a massive snow storm in October what we're experiencing is the unsteady hand of change guiding the process we call climate change. The lower atmosphere IS warming. But it DOESNT happen in a perfectly ordered process. Thus, true climate change will mean that currently understood ecosystems and landscapes will evolve over time as quantities of weather and differences in average temperates slowly transform regions of the world.

Expect the Unexpected :-)

The Shade Plant

2011-10-18T22:04:00.000-04:00

There is a plant in my backyard which was rooted early this summer. All I really knew about it when planting it was that it loved shade; perfect for being in the understory of a vivacious Black Walnut. In my hasty planting I tossed the name tag for this plant, but really, it's more about the story which follows.

It started off content in it's new home. Of the new plants it was one of the later to adjust to my backyard. Other plants were blooming at all other times throughout the warm months. Rain was plentiful near the end of the summer. It put out new branches slowly and without much show. As a shade plant, I sensed that a big part of it's character was simply to fill a space in which many other plants simply wouldn't tolerate. And so it was for 5 months.

Hurricane Irene pounded the garden. Sandwiched between weeks of relentless rain, even the grass was struggling to stay balanced. Hundreds of Black Walnuts pot-marked the garden; leaving welts in the grass while others came much closer to delicate plants- breaking off limbs, branches. Late August and the month of September were very difficult months for my garden. The weather seemed to have hired the Black Walnut as a mercenary in it's mission to reek havoc.

The shade loving plant sustained injury. Many of it's branches were snapped by the weight of branches, inches of rain and heavy walnuts. The entire garden looked dreary, almost unrecognizable. A spring and summer spent tending to the needs of so many plants, done away with in so short a time.

Then something really wonderful happened. I imagine this to be metaphorical to something much larger. A thing which you invest so much time and energy into, with no reassurance of how it will turn out. And then, miraculously, it surprises you; Almost out of nowhere, with no understanding of why- now. The shade plant became the only plant in the garden which was vibrant and thriving. As if the difficulty was part of it's growth.

Now, weeks into it's blooming, it is only being overcast by a miniature rose bush which suddenly decided to heave bloom after glorious bloom upon the garden. Still, the Shade Plant holds a very robust and important place in the garden. While nothing was growing or peaceful in the yard, it was shedding beauty. With tiny white speckles of starlike flowers, it produced the only pollen (likely within blocks) which sustained the smaller fabric of the garden. Bees congregated and gathered nectar, though slowly, in the cooler October air. Lesser known flying things were also finding The Shade Plant to be an oasis. In a time of necessity, The Shade Plant brought abundance.

From my eyes and the senses of other creatures which inhabit the garden, the early summer plant has been quite a blessing. It makes me think of the macro scale. When life seems as though there is only a thread which binds us to stability, we may be surprised at the thing which sustains us.

Street Swap

2011-10-07T12:50:00.001-04:00

What would happen if up to 40% of a cities streets were permanently closed?

Rather than disaster preparedness, I'm thinking conscious re-development. (Un)Development? Currently in most cities, there is hardly a place where roads don't go. Which also means that baring spacious parks, there are hardly any places to escape the air pollution, sound and traffic which comes with automobiles.

During my morning walk I envisioned how different the city surrounding me would be if many of the residential streets were closed to traffic. Replaced with pedestrian walkways, grass, gardens, tables & chairs: community spaces.

I think humans dont need to drive to a megastore and purchase huge quantities of things. By regionalizing, down to the neighborhood, people can access all their necessities by walking. Not only does this aid in the fight with obesity, but more importantly- in my mind- it creates a more efficient city with fewer dangerous issues.

The idea: Streetless City

Imagine taking away most of a cities more minnor streets. What's left will be 'Access Roads' which will essentially transport all the needed things which a city cannot, by itself, produce. Access Roads will connect to the cities street grid (greatly reduced) which will then connect to either the highway system or more hopefully to a high volume train system which connects the country like a web. Business will likely end up congregating around the access roads due to the necessity for shipments and deliveries. Once the access roads reach their end, a turnaround for vehicles will allow for traffic flow to leave. At these turnarounds will begin the streetless city.

The transition from access road to streetless will likely spring a great deal of the cities economic activity. Beyond these clusters will be a multifaceted community with unique neighborhoods, scattered shops and tradesman, residential hub, smaller schools, gardens, eco-entertainment, office, waste infrastructure, energy production, water collection, museum, parks, cafe, etc.

I believe this concept will immensely quiet cities of mechanical sounds. It will improve air quality, decrease commuting, make available healthier food, increase city beauty, and potentially grow more fulfilled citizens. The macro objectives include decreased emissions, lower dependence on foreign energy, fewer transportation costs of production, and reduce water runoff. In essence, most of the changes create a reduction in energy usage.

Beyond the initial goal of closing streets, it will be important to keep people physically connected to the world at large. I sense the use of high speed (efficient) trains to transport inhabitants to the closest larger city. From here trains or other transportation can be arranged. It is my belief that a future with fewer personal vehicles will be a more manageable, sustainable future.

Organic in Design

2011-09-27T15:24:00.000-04:00

Warning: this post is deep.

In 'Walking in History', I commented on something I would like to elaborate upon.

While discussing my fondness of the manmade structures found in Watkins Glen State Park, I used a term which implies that harmony can be created with the natural environment. But first, a story and subsequent realization about some intriguing aspects of what natural means to me. Then I'll explain some ways that humans can learn to make healthier- more organic- choices.

It was while coasting around a valley road in the remote recesses of the Ozark Mountains, I had the first experience in my life that humans are natural. Look around, so often we are drawing distinctions between the natural world and civilization. It was on this sunny day in Arkansas that I had a lightness in my stomach and clarity in my mind- living in the realization that humans are actually a normal, 'naturally' occurring thing. By understanding that our existence and entire universe exists as a diffusion of chemistry with massive sweeping physical phenomenon, it becomes rather easy for me to accept that everything which 'occurs' in the universe is simply a change in the arrangement of matter with time. Therefor no changes can be 'bad' or 'unnatural' because such entities are arbitrary and defined by humans. In an infinite universe, nothing can be unnatural. And so in conclusion, humans can only do natural things. When you take a minute to think about it, the things we define as unnatural or wrong are rooted in human mental constructs and propagated by institutions in all areas of our lives.

With that said, there are a great multitude of activities which dont greatly help us; even to the point of hurting us. But these activities are essentially just unhelpful choices. Or vices. Can you relate?

How many people agree that growing up is hard to do? I do. And when looking back at those years- can't we think of some things we did- often repeatedly- which weren't very good for us. They often helped us through difficult times, but as a trend we see something which was a crutch, or dragged us down. Well, overlay that as a metaphor for our species. Homo sapiens, in my opinion, are in the midst of teenage angst, changing relationships, sensing hostility, looking at fears, and starting to take responsibility for our own survival. We are being exposed to our universe, where everything is possibile so long as we work for it. There will be many decisions to make and obstacles to overcome. There will be dependancies to break and new goals to establish. This growing up is vital to our species' long term survival. Yet we must also be patient with ourselves as we learn to make choices in a universe with no guarantees and which is continually changing. So, we know that we can do anything we want. But how about the best way to do it? I think it is organically.

How can a bridge have the quality of being organic? Perhaps it starts with creating it the way the situation actually implies for it to be assembled. This involves understanding the physical laws of the universe and working with them harmoniously. Going against this flow creates disharmony. Disharmony, I believe, is what many people actually mean when they say 'unnatural'. They are commenting on the amount of disharmony something creates. Going with the flow means that harmony is created. Harmony is a byproduct of doing things well and with awareness. Adequate planning and execution is vital to organic design.

In Watkins Glen, organically designed bridges and walkways travers the wild landscape. These structures are designed to stand the test of time, are constructed from locally found materials, are assembled by skilled people, please the senses, and safely allow for joy and fascination to occur to the observers. It's a timely yet inexpensive up-front cost which continues to produce benefit far after the construction phase. (Sustainable)

The last essential element to creating things organically, is an understanding of what the most pleasing things are. Our unfolding universe has a spectacular way of producing things which are beautiful, functional and lasting. Nature has a way, a zen, of growing and doing. Humans would benefit from understanding that we are a part of that process. We can observe some fundamental trends regarding the way the universe evolves. With this information, our capacity to design healthy systems and products will vastly improve, because we will be consciously working within a symbiotic relationship.

Walking in History

2011-09-23T12:20:00.001-04:00

A glen is a valley with a 'u' shape. In this region of North America, it also generally refers to a narrow gorge with water coursing through it. The photos below are from Watkins Glen, a state park of New York. As part of a Riesling wine tasting tour, I took a hike with my sisters and mother to explore this amazing glacial remnant.

During the Last Glacial Maximum, which peaked approximately 20,000 years ago, North America was covered with 3-4 kilometers of ice- reaching down to 45º N. Latitude. Over time, the immense weight and force of this moving body of ice changed the landscape below it. The Finger Lakes of New York are a set of examples. The glen which you are looking at is a tributary to Lake Seneca.

Other than sheer beauty, which is quite blatant, I am impressed with the way this park is managed. The trails and walls which prevent visitors from harming themselves are built into the natural environment in a way which is harmonious with the landscape. I found the manmade structures in this park to be of exceptional quality and very organic in design.

The wine in this region is also something to notice. I found some exceptional Riesling at Heron Hill Winery. Also, a micro distillery which uses locally grown inputs: Finger Lakes Distilling.

Links:

Explore Americas Parks- Great Virtual Tours of U.S.'s National Parks.

Photo Credit:

CRC

Compassion and the True Meaning of Empathy

2011-09-03T14:03:00.000-04:00

Listening to Joan Halifax speak on the topic of compassion in todays time, brought me to think about compassion in my life.

While referencing the Dalai Lama, Joan says that love and compassion are necessities, they are not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive. With this statement, she is calling into focus many global and local issues. In my mind, of greatest current significance, is our compassion towards Earth. We have neglected to love and show compassion for our home. We must collectively become aware of the necessity of these two elements of life.

Compassion is comprised of the capacity to see clearly into the nature of suffering; the ability to really stand strong and to realize that I am not separate from suffering. It also means that we aspire to transform suffering.

Compassion, she says, is native in all of us. Like any quality, however, without nutrients and proper care, it will not thrive. This destructive process may be a factor in our collective lack of trust, impatience, and dependence on the material. Without the internal endurance to look at suffering, and the strength to acknowledge its presence within yourself, you become distanced from an integral part of your own existence. In this way, we become isolated within a world which feel to be hostile. Rather than growing through pain and experiencing the unifying qualities which underscore our differences, we will be trapped under the weight of emotions which erode our quality and dignity of life.

Joan goes on to imply that through the experience of suffering, we become capable of being compassionate.

The counter entities to compassion are pity, moral outrage and fear. In my life, I see ways in which I allow myself to thwart compassion with these three forces. I believe it to be an integral and growth oriented measure to seek out the ways in which I allow the forces of fear and pity to enter into my life, so as to no longer welcome them into my thoughts.

Much like the lotus flower which rises from murky, muddy water, to unfold its beautiful existence, so too is my journey. Today, I felt another petal break free.

Credits:
TED
Collin Cavote, St. George Village Botanical Gardens

A Modern Metaphor

2011-08-31T14:33:00.002-04:00

For millenium, humans scattered around the globe have sought the understanding of how they, themselves, fit in amongst the cosmos. It is a timeless question- one which gets more defined while simultaneously being equally inconclusive. Of the numerous ideologies (philosophies not religions) which have coalesced while attempting to place our finger on our existence, I believe one vein in particular holds a significant advantage in managing our changing conditions on Earth.

While writing my previous post, Nurturing Nature, I realized that someone who wishes to help bring balance to the planet is- in many ways- a doctor of the earth. Of significance while brainstorming what that meant to me, I found difficulty in accepting the western approach of doctor. What I really meant was a holistic health practitioner of the earth; someone who sees what is preventing the earth from being in its most balanced state- offering cultural, industrial, biospheric, and governmental lifestyle choices which, over time, will lead to a more centered planet.

Two words stand out in the previous paragraph. They are terms which are designed to hint at the approach to planetary change which I feel is most stable and long lasting. With those words comes a lot of meaning.

I think many avid readers will note the quantity of zen books which have flooded the market in recent years: running, gardening, even motorcycle maintenance. Zen as an approach to understanding is wonderfully useful in daily life. However, in reference to an earth practitioner, I feel the term needs more detail. My understanding is that the world is alright just as it is. In the entire history of Earth there have continually been events which have shaken up the cycles. And in the future, there will continue to be events which will test our abilities to respond and force us to either grow or diminish. With this said, we dont exist in either of those realms- they exist solely as wonderfully novel ideas. In this present moment, the only thing which actually exists, we have people who are very sensitive to the conditions of the planet informing us that some cycles are increasingly becoming compromised. As a species I believe we must contemplate what this means- we must meditate on what our new awareness of Earth means to us. We must stop, and learn how to think about what we are doing.

With the very appearance of our deteriorating natural systems coupled with detailed feedback from scientists around the planet, we are confronted with a choice. We either learn from what is being made known, or we continue without the understanding which is being made aware to us. Both are fine. Neither is good or bad. But one of them allows for us to experience something which is vital to any living entity- growth.

I believe that for all the growing we have done as a species in an economic sense, we have fostered little growth in terms of what it means to live a good life. We have so narrowly classified growth that it is essentially synonymous with economic terminology. We have lost sight of the balance which is not only vital for our individual health, but also for the health and balance of our planet. In terms of life, we have a lot of growing to do. And that's a very good thing.

Photo Credits:
Insight Awareness
Collin Cavote, United States Virgin Islands

Nurturing Nature

2011-08-29T22:12:00.000-04:00

While reading about Stanford's School of Earth Science, I grasped in a deeper way what it means to me to be someone who wishes to create positive change on Earth.

For the past few days I have been discussing with a friend about people who want to nurture Earth. We started to call these people doctors of Earth. They are people who seek to understand the planet and actively work towards balancing the complex systems which occur all around us. In order to do this successfully, awareness must first be tuned to detecting anomalies within our environment. An earth doctor sees long term human and planetary changes as steps to stabilize systems that we unknowingly disturbed. We must now seek balance in life rather than economic growth. Now, we must grow responsibly.

Dinner & Weather

2011-08-15T21:34:00.003-04:00

We've got about as much control over life's circumstances as we do the weather. It's how we respond during life's events which determine how enjoyable those rainy days will be.

Sitting outside this evening I enjoyed a wonderful meal of grilled eggplant and Victory Sunrise Weissbier. Beer began before eggplant, but who's watching on my day off? As a nod to wonderful cuisine, I also whipped up a little thing I'll call, Grilled Caprese Napoleon. Those who know me would expect a photo, but with my camera in the shop, iphone did a poor job. Better left wondering, I say. In a medium, grill sturdy and rimmed dish- pyrex is nice- cut a single, massive Heirloom at the peak of summer. I was able to make 5 horizontal cuts and eventually layered it upside down so the bottom, without cuts, would be on top.

In between these 6 slices of giant, local, tomato went lots of freshly pulled bassil, olive oil, s&p, and generous quantity of fantastic, grated, parmegiono cheese. On the grill, in its own juices, at 350 for about 10 minutes was perfect for me. Easily could be cooked down a bit more. I let stand while the minced garlic eggplant finished charring.

Oh, the quote...

While eating this meal outside- at a table moved to the grass, so allowing me to stain my deck- I enjoyed a very wonderful evening. A few drops of water still falling from the black walnut above me, I hung out and enjoyed outdoors. Rain has been the norm for 2 days; thus, seeing light blue in the atmosphere filled me with tremendous joy. Food was great. Thoughts were even more interesting. The black walnut tree 2 properties to my south was dazzling; being perhaps 100 years old. As I looked at it against the clearing skies, I had an emotion which was wonderful. It felt like the quote written above.

I knew more rain was coming. It has rained for 2 full days. A lot of plans fell through. Sitting there, I thought about how the tree has no choice in life to decide to come inside and comfort. It perpetually lives in the midst of the cosmos, unsheltered in yet another (important) bubble we humans find such comfort in. The tree sheds the weather with a specially designed skin and roots and leaves. It's nature sustains it through the rainy days. As the tree has no say on the rain, nor do I. I believe that through humanities distinct ability to be able to respond to situations, we have created our foothold on the planet. We must certainly be more delicate.

Humans have a lot more phycological baggage than trees: resulting in a thing called mood. We all have them. Seeing rain while eating dinner is no fun. With my iphone getting wet it occurred to me that I would have to go inside if I favored staying dry. However, in this very instant, I realized that I had complete control over wether it bummed me out or if I would proactively find something else to do which I enjoyed. I had complete control over my ability to respond in a favorable way to a change in expectations.

The quote is to be extrapolated to the boundaries of existence: incorporating all the many ways in which things sometimes don't go to plan.

Playing With Marbles

2011-08-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

The night sky, twinkeling blanket of black, has a way entirely unto it's own of capturing my attention. This evening I was inspired to spend more time thinking about it. Reveling in the realization that each of those glimmering dots is a real place.

For a moment, imagine the greenish-blue marble which you saw as a child. The glowing, mysterious ball which your elders taught you was an image of Our planet. Day after day, scientists are finding new marbles. Very similarly, they rotate around stars, have their own climates, soil, air, and seasons. They have their own mountains and canyons. On nights like this, when I look into the blanket of black, this is what I see.

Earth is a unique marble when compared to the others. It is inextricably part of something which we havent found elsewhere in the universe. From it's warm, watery, early existence grew very simple things which over time became more complicated things. Life arose from the very ground and air. Life is not something which lives on Earth, but rather, the very essence of what Earth is. The marble which we are a part of is not significantly different from other marbles, though it's arrangement of certain characteristics allowed for it to become something seemingly remarkable. Certainly, however, we are not the only marble which lives.

Other worldly life has fascinated me for about 5 years. One of the first books which literally changed the way I experience life was an astronomical photography book brought to me by the Hubble Program. By seeing the scope of the universe through pictures, I gleaned a fantastic amount of information. Mainly, it's a REALLY big place we live in. Also, it's REALLY, dumbfoundedly, huge. I also picked up on the idea that we cant even grasp a small fraction of how stupidly enormous the universe is. This place is so exceedingly gargantuan that the simple act of looking at something means that you cant see it in it's present form. It's big enough that something as fast as light can take a a long time to get somewhere. When I started to learn about the universe, I learned how to place our marble into the vast blanket. We are part of this universal tapestry: in all directions, in us, around us, us! It's out there, over here, up and down, across, way over there, up a little higher, no through there, faster, slower. The universe is not a thing which we look at and say, 'Oh, look up at the stars, it's beautiful out there!' Although you'd be right about the beauty, you'd be neglecting the fact that you are part of it. And this is one of the many ways that the universe is actually one. The fingers on your hands, the hair on your head, the insecurities in your head- the dirt beneath your nails and the clothes on your body- are all as much a part of this universe as the moon or the stars. We are One.

So our marble exists as one of many. There are countless marbles in the sea of the universe. At this point in time, we dont have the tools or knowledge to get to the other marbles. They are so far away; across distances which make a flight from NY to Beijing look like a piece of dust in a Saharan sand storm. But that's okay. Two thing we are REALLY good at: making REALLY powerful lenses and observing.

I think it's jaw dropping the amount of information we can learn by sitting and watching something. I think telescopes rank as one of mankind's most valuable inventions. They inspire creativity and imagination. They connect us to the web of existence. They also aid us in answering the question, 'What's out there?'... one of my favorite questions.

Looking into space is a pursuit to learn more about ourselves. By exploring the universe, we expand our definitions of self and purpose. Each star cluster teaches us more about how the universe functions. Every gamma ray burst informs us of something stupendous. Each solar systems holds an untold amount of information. I believe through understanding the dynamics of the universe more fully, we will also develop our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual geographies.

Photo Credit:
Hubble Site
NASA Earth Observatory
Large Binocular Telescope

Carbon Capture 101

2011-07-28T08:21:00.000-04:00

river walk

2011-07-18T18:57:00.002-04:00

Yesterday morning I entered chilly waters for the second day of exploring the largest tributary of the Lehigh River. I donned my Vibram 5-Fingers which seem to be perfectly designed for small estuary travel. Around 8:30 in the morning I began a one-mile walk to note the health of the river, picking up where I left off the day before. For those unfamiliar with the river and accompanying parks- it's a significant park system designed around this 24 mile long creek creating an extensive linear park. Most of the parks in the city limits are due to Harry Trexler, an industrialist who during the City Beautiful Movement understood the value of green space and invested in it. Thank you Harry.

As explained in my previous post, parts of the Little Lehighs banks are being restored to untrimmed wilderness. I am a huge proponent of this 'Grow Zone' concept. In its simplest description, a grow zone is a swath of land on each side of water which is deemed off limits. I watched in the last year as grass soon became tall and healthy. Shortly after this, small bushes, berry trees, saplings and numerous other plant varieties began to overtake the grass. There are now no access points to the river for close to a half mile. What this means is a whole lot!

Tall grasses with canopies are vital for supporting communities of animal life. Ducks, with whom my sister and I walked along in the water with, will find safer and more abundant breeding grounds. Birds will find more habitat as taller species of plants grow in these zones. Fish will find more quiet and private swimming and breeding grounds. The whole ecosystem grows. We may in time see our hawk population grow as we nurture the lower food chain.

Along with these great changes comes a secondary benefit. Human development causes a lot of stress to our water systems. Increased runoff from streets, roofs and parking lots bring a significant amount more water than our tributaries are accustomed to. When storms occur this increases manyfold. Water, being a heavy substance, carries great momentum. Increase the amount of water in a constrained area and it will be a destructive force.

Allowing vegetation to establish along the creek means roots will burrow through the soil seeking nutrients. In time, these roots will form an underground tapestry holding soil in place. This is a more sustainable solution to river bank erosion as stone walls actually increase downstream erosion by increasing the speed at which water is able to flow through the ecosystem. Like so many of the answers to our species current problems, allowing nature to do what it does best will lead us to the most long lasting and balanced systems. Did I mention that they're also beautiful?

After walking the mile river walk yesterday I came to a golf course which is where the creek spends the previous mile of its life. Tomorrow I will resume my walk at the other end of the course. Tonight involves researching access points to the stream as I cant visualize where this tributary comes from. Tomorrow will involve discovery!

Protecting The Waters

2011-06-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

An initiative to reclaim Allentown's water ways is making great strides. In at least two of the cities many water oriented parks, measures to reduce run off and control bank erosion are taking shape.

In interconnected systems, changes like increased flow of water can have a huge difference in the ecology of an area. Development creates more run off which eventually enters into our fresh water rivers and streams. When we cut back trees and grasses to allow humans access to the beautiful waters, we also impart a huge degree of destruction to a system which is already under fire.

These efforts are a great way to return some balance to our favorite natural places and allow them to exist in a peaceful state for years to come. It requires us giving up the scenic vistas and control of our environment and allowing for nature to take its place as an intelligent and self managing system. When learning about sustainable futures, we are wise to sit quietly and allow our ailing systems to heal themselves. It's good for us and the good for the planet.

The Food we Eat, and How we Eat it.

2011-06-16T19:51:00.000-04:00

When it comes to food, I know eating close to home whole foods which have been raised in sustainable ways by real people are orders of magnitude better than other options. The truth of this has been absorbed by me in a deep and lasting way. But like all of life, there is always more to become aware of! And thank goodness for that, how boring the world would become if we could master it.

"THE SLOW DOWN DIET" is a fantastic show regarding how our minds effect the way we process foods. At the heart of the matter is the necessity of bringing the body to relaxation so digestion can occur in a thorough way. When the mind is rushed and the body is unable to function with the parasympathetic (relaxed) nervous system, the quality of the foods we eat can actually diminish.

Marc David knows a lot about the way food becomes part of the body. He realizes that our bodies are each a unique system and that our chance for health and happiness is through taking the reigns for our own health and happiness.

Check out the hour long interview, led by Jon Steinman, HERE

SUMmer FLOWers

2011-06-10T14:41:00.001-04:00

Backyard Shot! This heat is good for some things, and the flowers are sooo happy.

Energizing

2011-05-26T16:51:00.001-04:00

Sculpture garden at The Philadelphia Museum of Art. Cool story about the piece below:

Phila. Museum of Art gets a giant plug

Thunder Bolt

2011-05-16T09:40:00.001-04:00

The morning after a 5 hour pit fire. The pots are great! FEAR, the sculpture I fired, is a momentous piece in my collection. The winning shot of the firing is my buddy's dog, Thunder.

The Water's There to Warm Us.

2011-05-05T20:03:00.000-04:00

I shot this while exploring a tributary of the Florida Everglades. Family vacation well done!

Meaning Behind the Name

2011-05-05T19:33:00.001-04:00

I've been timid about writing for most of the past year. I feel as though I have abandoned 'The Universe Is One'. Since its creation it has changed names, colors, backgrounds, foci. In the domain of self expression my blog changed constantly. Today though, and the past todays have been different. I've had a desire to come back to this all-access space we call the internet, and offer my thoughts to it. Those thoughts have changed a LOT in 3 years. I know that's a sign of growth. I have learned to revere the process of change. To flow with time, and respond to circumstances as they arise. Bringing myself out of confusion and fear has led me to experience clarity in thought and the centering of my being.

I set sail with this blog to talk about an idea I was toying with-a rather simple concept. The message: every single thing which we perceive in our vast expanse of space and time is of the same origins. The distant stars swirling around like bathwater exiting a drain; bacteria which digest the food we eat; black holes which transform the very fabric of our universe into something foreign to us; earthly mountains which stand above land like the ridges found within the wrinkles of a bedroom sheet; your family; shoes; the dinner you eat; the car you drive; the alarm clock which wakes you to a new day- these things have all evolved from the same substance. Time has scattered them into unique and wonderful things which we conscious animals buy, observe, share, keep, love, ignore, eat, use, discover and hopefully learn to reflect upon.

Within this view of the world, hatred disappears. There is simply no room for it within a mind which realizes that all of existence is tied together in an infinite and responsive web which connects us to everything else. It's awareness. A thing talked about, fought over, repressed, explored and commingled. Awareness isn’t new to the world, but it’s new to many individuals. What ‘The Universe Is One’ is about is MY early journey with awareness. It’s a public journal. I don’t know why I chose this medium- but likely because I have confidence in my thoughts. I believe they are valuable and I like placing them somewhere visible.

I don’t know what direction ‘The Universe Is One’ is going. I thought of having it becoming a photo blog; An outlet for environmental news; Getting rid of it; a place to record my views of current events; my philosophical views of life. Yet I still don’t know what this beast is. Its classification is still ambiguous. Though I can say with confidence that the ‘unclassifiable’ things in life seem to be some of the most rewarding entities.

So for now, ‘The Universe Is One’ is ‘in transition’.

Goodbye Winter

2011-05-01T11:15:00.000-04:00

While visiting a favorite hiking spot with my buddy, we were fortunate to find ourselves in the aftermath of an overnight storm which coated the landscape in ice. Serendipity. By observing the amount of ice on the east and west exposures I was able to conclude that the storm came from southeast. This shot is of the most dense ice I found.

Fresh Greens!

2011-04-30T14:16:00.001-04:00

I look forward to many lunch salads.

ARCH(i)TECTURE

2011-04-08T12:59:00.005-04:00

I'm going with a new idea here... a Positive Post. A growth oriented, non complaining, constructive post.

The other day I had an understanding about my life in the past few years. Living from my pack, as a type A was stressful. In 3 years I confronted a lot of stuff... mainly stuff relating to the world. It's a small world with a lot of big problems to be answered.

My mind had tons of thoughts swirling around. It was cluttered. And as someone who was once OCD, anything cluttered was bad... especially if it was myself. What made traveling so hard was that I wasn't happy coming home. Like- really Unhappy. So I didn't have a space to collect myself. I felt continually on the go. Never able to put my thoughts down. No regularity with life. It enabled me to practice centering myself, but it was hard work!

Now with a place to rest my head, a place which I know will be there in a week, a month, I can come home and feel rested. I know I have a space to collect my thoughts and rest. A place which is comfortable, non judgmental. This has literally changed my life. Thanks Charlie.

Two days ago I woke up and had a culminating thought. The gist of the idea had been in my head for about a week. It coalesced yesterday as the realization of a process I was growing through.

Imagine buying an old stone home. Maybe in France. It's been there for a while, it's well grounded and has stood the test of time. But it hadn't been updated in a while. It was dated. It's new owner decided to move in while the renovations were going on. At first it was novel, romantic. Soon the dust was everywhere. Holes in the walls waiting for new windows. Rearranging walls. It was chaotic with workers coming in and out. The project seemed like it would never finish.

In late summer, the house began to take shape. Neighbors began to notice that all the work may pay off. It may be a beautiful house again. An updated house.

What have I updated within myself? I have absorbed the knowledge and emotional response to what it means to be a global citizen on a delicately balanced planet. It was a big update.

The owner of the house (the soul) grew really tired of what was going on, but was able to see down the road, that eventually the house would host summer parties, that the gardens would be nurtured. That family would visit, that he would be able to work from home and take care of his kids. That the old house which had been passed down from distant family would remain in good, caring hands.

The stress soon passes as memories develop in the space. He is able to look back at the project as a very proud moment. Something which should not be done twice, but is a valuable once in a lifetime kind of thing. The owner became a handyman- knowing his limits of knowledge and ability and learning who to ask for things outside such ability.

All the clutter from construction was removed. What's left is a simple home, free of that which is not desired. Filled with love, a setting for developing memories and spending time in an uplifting way.

The Real Work

2011-03-07T11:52:00.003-05:00

While preparing a list of things to talk about with my psychiatrist, I touched on something....

"There are times when none of the above stuff seems true. That the root of what has occurred in my life is something much more simple. Much more universal, yet profound. I think I have struggled with consciousness. I have written about this a few times. Basically, consciousness is a pretty new thing on this planet. The less aware one is, the easier the journey. You know, being a dog with no concern is a lot easier than being someone with depth of thought. At least it would seem to me. In the most humble way I can say this, I don't know anyone who thinks as deeply and holistically as I do. This isnt to say that I have the answers to things, but that since a young age I have been aware of many things. In the past few years I have really struggled with meaning. Purpose. When I left college, yes, I hated business. I thought it was quite tangibly destroying the planet. But I imagine most people wouldn't stop in their tracks, especially if they were successful at it. So why did I completely and utterly stop what I was doing, with no idea of what I was going to do? Why does someone who has everything stop?

It’s because I became even more aware. At 18 I was exposed to the wonder, and wandering nature, of existence. I experienced time as something which is a gift. That in 80 years passing, none of us will be around to experience it any longer. That time is truly the raw material of existence. So at 18 I became aware of both the frailty of my existence, and also the frailty of my species. I was saddened. I was really truly sad.

I was sad for the world. Sad for earth, my brothers and sisters who cant eat or drink clean water. I felt sad for people who were shackled by greed. Sad that in thousands of years, my species still hadn't discovered how to live together or how to respect the universe at large.

It was during this time that I also became aware of the universe. The thing in which earth exists as little more than a speck of sand. A thing so vast and powerful that my most heartfelt sadness for our planet paled in comparison. I was awestruck by its size. Amazed that my upbringing was so far removed from its true complexity. At first I was dismayed by its size. Yet now I believe we exist on this planet as a microcosm of good fortune. The only planet orbiting a star in our collective knowledge which houses life. We are a rarity in the universe as far as we know. This became my meaning. This is where I have found purpose.

For whatever powers have sculpted the cosmos, whatever being, energy, luck, law, I am not concerned. What I care about is that we exist on this planet as one of the most valuable and unique forms of matter in the entire universe.

I have evolved my sense of purpose from a corporate businessman to something very different. It is slightly spiritual. I believe the purpose I have found, through tears and aloneness, through searching for meaning and being open to all things, is that I now exist as someone who desires to see our human family continue into the future in ways which are long-lasting, moral, and with a broadening awareness of our place in the universe.

This is really what has been going on in the past few years. I think a lot of the other stuff is background noise."

High Speed Rail

2011-02-18T14:51:00.006-05:00

A friend described the human condition to me last night, from his eyes.

We were talking about the book I am currently reading- The Bridge at the End of the World. It is a book about how capitalism is destroying the planet. About how our collective definition of wealth is so skewed towards consuming. That enjoyment comes not from having something but wanting and achieving the next thing. What I find really interesting is that the bridge we are building away from our current problems must support us as we continue to build it. We don't have the luxury of time to place boats in the water to pour the moorings. We cant send a work crew to our destination and have them meet us halfway. The bridge that we are building is a one way, non-stop construction extravaganza. I do believe that our existence as a species depends upon the actions of people in the next few years. It's my hope that we have so much time.

My friend didn't share in my view. He told me that he feels like he is locked in a train, going full-speed to hell; or within the belly of a ship which is sinking. He believes our ancestors, old and recent, didn't see the iceberg. That they didn't know the bridge was out. Or that they didn't care. I have felt this view. I have traveled the country for this very idea. That all of human history has been based on something which is going to kill us. Consuming. Yet it is ideas like this which consume the mind. It infects thoughts with fear and the feeling of being isolated, alone and lost. It is the runaway train which my generation has grown up in. It's almost like we know what is about to happen.

So what is going to happen? Well, we either answer problems and grow, or we die. The situation can be reduced to such a thing.

How do we take control of the pencil?

Creating stability

2011-02-06T09:17:00.002-05:00

I have the privilege of being able to travel with my family. For one, I have a close family and although we are experiencing growing pains, do love one another. But I am tired of 'vacationing'. Feel like I have done a lit of this in the past few years, and it isn't all that exciting to me right now. Largely due to me finding inspiration and wanting to work towards goals. Basically, I don't really want things which take me away from my life and routine- as I am just starting to create them in my life. It feels like a distraction which I don't really need.

It is a week to spend with people I love and who love me. I also can experience some warm weather!

Sweet

2011-02-02T22:25:00.003-05:00

In the past 3 years I have a written a lot. Mainly about trying to find myself and about living in the moment.

Well, now what do I write about? I've found myself, and i'm living. Good.

I read on a friends Tumbler about the difficulty in living in the moment. I fought that battle for sure. Calming the mind is tough work. And until you're able to relax yourself and realize that the moment you're in is good enough, and the person that you are is also good enough- then, and I think only then, do you feel connected to life. Dogs dont run away from themselves because they dont have a social hierarchy to place themselves within. They havent been told what to achieve and when to achieve in the spectrum of their lives. So they're happy just being who they are.

Humans. OY. We have this thing called culture, and for better or worse, it aint going anywhere. Culture informs us that we arent rich enough, that we dont have a good enough job, that we shouldn't be living in our parents home, and that we are lonely people without enough friends. Basically, it gives us a TON of reason to feel insecure. But what is true in one society isnt true in another. So what I'm doing is choosing the things I want from each culture, and creating a new one. It's called Collin. And as stupid as this sounds, I am good enough as I am. I dont need to be anywhere at any point in time. I can evolve as I wish. And that is a pretty damn cool realization.

Making Minds

2010-11-22T16:25:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt like a visitor in your own home? I imagine many have felt this twinge of existentialism. I often do- easily contributed to a few years spent traveling. 'No direction home' as a poet once said in a song. But how interesting an experience to walk down a street, a place you've walked a good many times, and due to some stimulus, you felt altogether different.

It's a stange sensation to feel 'out of place'. For my travels, and the re-entry to modern living, life has felt very different from everything I once knew. People say that traveling opens your eyes to things; exposes you to differnt ideas and- perhaps more importantlt to me- ideals.

Being a seed in the wind, a spore of pollen across a field, or a leaf drifitng through a stream are great for thigns without awareness. They have an easier time with it. For better or worse, humans are not like leaves or seeds. We, being what we are, are capable of experiencing the tides of existance. Sometimes the tide becomes fierce, the undertow- strong. We must learn to swim in this vast and constanly changing ocean, we call life. Traveling, I believe, allows for a young person to learn how to float, perhaps even swim. Being alone, at a young age, with the responsibility of your own existance upon your shoulders... it can teach you things. Many of which will gradually unfold themeselves throughout life.

I also believe that a young mind is maliable. Not only does a young mind inately have a greater tendency to absorb information, it also has a remarkable ability to evolve itself. As a thought experiment, imagine trying to improving a loaf of bread after it has been baked. Then you will begin to undersand a way in which the mind works. While kneeding, or when combing ingredients, a bread can be transformed: whole wheat, raisin, ciabatta, it can even become such different things as a pretzel or pizza. Though once baked, it almost indefinitly retains its intended form. Often, such is the way of the mind. Structure developes. Heat hardens and changes the dough- much the same way time 'hardens' us individually. We become set in our ways.

That is what makes travel so important for young people. It breaks the walls which are put up around their minds. It shatters pre-concieved ideas. It opens their existance to a larger existance. And oh yea, it's fun.

Remember

2010-11-08T09:10:00.002-05:00

It is amazing to me, how I can keep trying and trying to be someone I don't want to be. Now, after my travels, I feel the pressure of 'returning' to society. Of wearing the 'right' things. Of saying the 'right' words to the 'right' people. Or at least, that's the society that I feel I have to associate with. Maybe that's why I'm still unhappy.

The other day my mother told me that she would be happy for me, if she only noticed that I were becoming more happy myself. That it didn't matter to her what I was doing, but that I was happy doing it. For the past three years I have thought my mother to be judgemental towards my actions. Yet with time, I have realized that she couldn't be happy for what I was doing, because I wasn't altogether happy with myself.

So after three years of removing myself from the social pressures, stereotypes and expectations, I sit here today realizing I am unhappy because I don't feel able to express myself in the way I desire. I feel judged. And for a multitude of reasons I allow that judgement, even if fictitious, to persuade me.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same process hoping for different results. I feel like a see-saw. On one end is a grown man. On the other end, a 7 year old, trying so hard to make it work. But it wont. So I have to start playing a different game. I need to do the things that make me happy. I know what they are, but I feel judged for wanting them.

Maybe I need to love myself more.

True Gold

2010-10-29T18:10:00.001-04:00

The Italian Master

2010-10-27T13:07:00.003-04:00

I was staring into space- my mind utterly enthralled with itself. An empty plywood board was in front of me. I had no idea what to do with it. I had no idea what to make. A bit overwhelmed. Juggling thoughts. As has often been the case, I was imagining something grand. The next Michelangelo. Something to sell to a wealthy Lehigh Valley resident.

Renzo, the wise and humble potter, came over to me. Among other things, he told me to just start making something. 'Make a tile' he dared me. It took me a little while to readjust my focus. I hadn't made a tile yet. And still haven't, though that is in the process of changing. Something Renzo said really struck me- and saying that it was relevant only to art would be missing the majority of it's significance to me. In his Italian way- which involves an equal amount of hand movement- "We can think and think and think. But eventually we have to just start doing!" Then he looked at me to see if I understood. He was well pleased.

I am so excited about the tile I'm working on. But that is only adding to my happiness. The words from Renzo struck me in a deeper and more vivid way than he could realize. He only meant that I start working on something, and stop thinking about it. Had he been in my mind for the past 3 years, he may now know the degree to which that statement rings true.

When I left Temple, I knew I was doing what was in my heart. Sure I was scared. There are a lot of unknowns in the world. For me, leaving all the safety nets which brace our childhoods, brought me to a very new place. It forced me to mature and make big choices on my own. As my savings diminished and the world began to close in around me- the expectations, the longevity of life, and the normal needs which our industrial society forces upon us- I began to feel the cringe that I had entered a world too big for my own survival. I was getting tired of swimming, really tired. And for a while I had no sight of shore. I kept thinking and thinking and thinking- about how to 'make it' in the world. How I'd feed myself, where I'd sleep. Would I ever create happiness in my life. I pondered these things. It seemed like the best way to get them. What I've learned today, maybe for the second or third time, is that I must simply start doing.

What does that mean for me? Well, I don't have time to think about it. But I'll talk about my tile another time.
Thanks Renzo.

Wisdom of ages.

2010-10-24T21:15:00.003-04:00

Some really unique thoughts occurred today. A lot had to do with life. Actually, LIFE. From the beginning to the end. The process, the events the people.

I find the concept of time fascinating. In my 22 years, I have had enough experiences to inform me that time is not constant. Not only changing, but also brief. Brief in terms of our own conception of it.

Think about it for a moment: Whom among us will experience time for more than 80 years? More than 100? Time is brief for all of us. We only have a window of it to experience. Nobody makes it our of here alive. We have a life expectancy, a maximum. And then, poof. It's the real black hole. The kind we actually get to experience.

Maybe it scares you to grasp that you wont exist at some unknown point in the future. It is a little strange, ill admit. Most of us, I assume, have not- and will not- perceive life in this way. I feel sort of blessed, when I am not utterly dismayed by my futures ending, that I have realized this bit of wisdom at the ripe age of 22. I can now look at life as an adventure. How do I want to fill the next 60, 70- maybe even 80- years of my existence? Hmm...

I had dessert with my maternal grandparents this evening. Both are experiencing changes in health which signal they are past their prime. As weird and as difficult as it is to say, they are dying. It's still early on, but it's happening. And watching them last night was very humbling. I saw two people who worked so hard through life. My grandfather, putting in well over 70 hours a week for the vast majority of his life. I see a life lived in hardship. A man who tried so hard in one thing, that he lost focus on many others. My grandmother, wanting nothing more than to be a good mother and wife, now feeling the impact of loosing life's luxuries. I see pain in their eyes. I see a fear that they spent their lives not pursuing the things they now feel are so important. But now, with too little time to pursue them.

This saddened me a lot. A whole lot. Yet what I realized is that I cannot change the lives they've lived. I can however do two other things. The first, is learn from them. Learn to seek the life I wish to live. With only a short time on this planet, we must try to live passionately. This is something I have experienced on my own. From the three years I spent traveling, I have learned a great deal about Life. About it's brevity. About doing the things that really make us happy. The second thing I can do is actually for my grandparents.

After lives spent working towards a family, what more can I do for them than give back what they have tried so hard to create. I can give them my time. I can give them ME. The person who will continue their lineage. The person which they have invested their lives in creating. I owe it them. Not from a guilty place, but from a place of compassion. Of wanting to hear their stories again. Of wanting to smile for them. Driving them around. Sharing in life.

Thanks nan and pop.

Sailing

2010-10-03T10:47:00.003-04:00

A ship is safe inside a harbor, but is that what ships are for?

A quote I am having a hard time crediting. Richie Havens? John Shedd? Thom Bishop?

Having ones name attatched to such a potent concept is a honor. I first heard this line in a song by Richie Havens, Dreamer. It is song for those who love life and enjoy creating the future.

It hit home. It told me to stop complaining and feel the bright side of life. Struggle is little more than an adventure made bold by emotion. Leaving the safety which we know is the single greatest adventure we can commit.

In life, what use is time if we have little with which to fill it with? I feel blessed to exist on this planet, for there is so much to do. I am a doer and a dreamer, two things which this planet desperatly needs. As I find happiness within myself, I see answers to problems around me.

My past experiences- of sailing the open seas- have instilled in me the confidence to dream and act. One without the other is insanity. Having neither is truly unfortunate. I am a lucky man. I have survived my first outing as Captain. I am now back in the harbor. New sails, rations and crew. I am excited for the thrill and beauty that life offers those who are willing to experience it.

MIA

2010-09-26T16:13:00.004-04:00

What! It's almost October. Wha-how-wher-no way.

Last time I shared some words I was sitting in the Seattle-Tacoma airport. What's happened since then? Holy smokes.

I'll start by saying nervous breakdowns are not fun. My control freak within wasn't very happy with the past 3 years of uprooting, crossing my fingers and believing that life would work out. After all, I am a business student with a successful internship. Well, not really. Here I sit, an artist and waiter. What happened?

That my friends is a question I have asked myself thousands of times on hundreds of separate occasions. Simple math tells me that only 1000 days have passed since I left school. Could I really have pondered the history of my late teens so incessantly? Ha.

I don't care what happened or why*. It did. My mind wasn't ready for what was happening. And oh yea, I got to travel for three years. Not a bad deal huh? Not really. I spent all my savings to figure out life. And guess what? I am even more confused by it today. What I have learned is that nobody has the answers. And if they do, they're full of bull shit. Like, really really full.

I spent my savings to learn that life is what we make it. And sometimes it really sucks, even when we're trying our hardest. Sometimes days pass so slowly that we can hardly bare the thought of another minute. And then mysteriously, the skies open and we experience the beauty and bounty of life. My challenge now- as I wait on tables, create sculpture, and itemize a life plan- to grow those moments of enjoyment into a forest of positive, happy and contented days. Where every once in a while, I will be overwhelmed- and not the other way around.

A Reminder of Life.

2010-07-12T08:38:00.003-04:00

Life happens.

In all its mysterious ways.

Through twists and turns.

And at times, all alone

Left wondering.

We must, at the end of a long day, remember that what happens is not personal. The events around us unfold without intention; unbiased.

Our fortune lies in our reaction.

Life is made from our responses to the eternal and unfaltering process of change.

Until at some point,

Down the road,

When Change overtakes you.

But certainly not yet.

I wrote this poem at 1:30 in the morning. The plane which was flying me across the country had a mechanical error right before takeoff. We waited and waited- eventually had to board a new plane. I hadn't slept soundly in days, I was anxious to get home. I was alone and tired. But I think this poem sums up all those emotions, and places them into perspective. I healthy dose of humility. A reminder of the bigger picture.

A Path to Nowhere.

2010-07-08T12:24:00.003-04:00

I have found life to be a great teacher. Sometimes a very harsh teacher. The past day has showed me something very remarkable. It has placed the past 3 years into clarity. I was walking a path which took me nowhere, yet filled me with anxiety and fear.

I have learned that life can be hard. So why go out of my way to make it harder. "Life is short. Yet it is long enough to attempt to make enjoyable". Yesterday I decided that I don't want my life to be hard. I don't want to add obstacles to my life.

So I am returning home. My real home. The past 3 years have exhausted me, and I need some time to regroup, organize and begin creating the life I want. It involves school. It involves being closer to the important people in my life. It involves stopping running away from responsibility. It means I want to take charge of my life.

I am done running.

And I look forward to seeing all the people who make home, my home.

A Day of Travel

2010-07-06T08:55:00.002-04:00

Begining at 12:15 this afternoon, I will be traveling for the next 14 hours. From St. Croix I am flying to Puerto Rico via a Cessna Prop- a small yet highly efficient plane which is often used for short distant travel. I am excited to say that I have been in Puerto Rico, but I wont count it as actually having been there. It is akin to saying you've experienced the wonders of the ocean by being aboard a cruise ship. It simply doesnt count. You miss so much by only doing things superficially. So I would rather not even include it.

Even so, I will spend 3 hours in Puerto Rico today- in an airport which most describe as dull. Yay! Much of my travel time will be spent reading the largest book I have ever attempted. The woman I am staying with offered it to me, and my reasoning is I have nothing better to do.

From Borinquen I will be flying to Houstan TX. Somehow this flight is business class. Sweet! Ive never sat in the big comfy chairs.

An hour layover in Houston before flying to Seattle (miraculously also a first class seat) where I will be arriving around 12 this evening. Add 3 hours of timezone transfer and I will ready for a nice nights rest in the Seattle-Tacoma airport.

My plans for tomorrow morning are up in the air. Option 1) take a ferry to Lopez Island and visit with some friends, or 2) Get a shuttle to the town of Bellingham where I hope to establish a home base.

Lost of photos to come. Stay posted!

Camp

2010-06-15T16:53:00.004-04:00

I had my second day of camp today. Not any old summer camp though, it's St. Marys Big Island Adventure Camp. I'm talking about a group of campers from California, Texas, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Virginia, New York, Puerto Rico and China. Our staff is sourced from Washington, Idaho, Louisiana, Pennsylvania and the Phillipines. This ain't your run-of-the-mill summer camp. Throw in a good 100 native Crucians and you've got an AMAZING group of people.

From 7 in the morning to 5 in the evening the school campus which houses our camp is filled with energy equivillant to a professional football game. But with a big difference. The positive and loving energy is nothing short of spectacular. You show these kids some love, some recognition, and their yours... A new friend. Someone who wants to share their lunchtime snack with you. Throngs of children waiting in line for you to give them hugs.

Don't get me wrong, teaching gym 6 times a day on an exposed concrete basketball court in the midst of an unseasonibly warm caribbean summer is nothing short of exhausting. But these kids charge your batteries as they deplete them. The physical exhaustion is overshadowed by their sheer happiness.

St. Croix

2010-06-09T06:58:00.003-04:00

Okay. So I'm in the Caribbean- the American Caribbean to be more specific. An island 80 miles in circumfrance. Not exactly big- yet neither small. First impression: Wow is this place beautiful. Second impression: Holy shit there's a lot of mosquitoes.

I'm still wresteling with the later. Or should I say... Scratching. In the two days I'm here I have had no less than 60 bites. I take it as a complement to the quality of my blood. When it intereferes with sleep, I got a problem.

The home I am staying in is a beautiful open air design. No windows, only screens which allow for any hint of a breeze to come right in. It is great for the views. And there are views. The drive to the house is a long and at times steep shared driveway. As I am discovering it is like most of the roads on this small island- and like most roads in the caribbean- part dirt, part paved, a bit of grass and the very regular (and massive) pothole.

At the end of this drive is a gorgeous and spacious tropical home. Lush plants fill every inch of habitible land. Bird songs fill the daytime air.

Sr. Croix is a place of extremes. A place where the rich and poor mingle. A place where I am very much in the minority. It is refreshing. Beautiful. And itchy. There is a very strong chance this island will not be my longterm home. But for now it is a wonderful place to explore and learn about another fascinating feature of this big planet we call home.

Gifts from the Garden

2010-06-04T17:21:00.003-04:00

This year the garden has some new stuff. The beautiful (and yummy) strawberries seen above were a self-starter from last summer. Yay! I also have 4 varieties of tomatoes, green pepper, kale, yellow squash, purple carrots, snap peas and a second leafy vegetable which I can not remember. Top it off with basil, parsley and oregano for the herbs. All this and I am leaving in about 2 1/2 days. This is now my second year in a row leaving my garden. If leaving my gardens has showed me anything, it is the love I have for them. I like few things more than spending a whole summer watching the plants flourish. Even with the plot in my parents backyard being so small, I often spend some time with it everyday. Last years garden was quite impressive, but this year I will be leaving much earlier in the season. I can't wait for a time to work on a garden that is really my own. Larger and with more variety. For now though, I am learning lots!

Hangin Out

2010-05-31T10:51:00.003-04:00

I was in the garden this morning when my sister said, "Look... I think it's dead". I had my camera with me and began walking closer. At first it was just a shadow, the limp arm hanging lazily in the hot morning air. The eyes opened as I came closer. I was within 10 feet before it scattered up the tree. This squirrel was not dead- simply enjoying hanging out on a warm May morning. Good plan little man.

A New Experience

2010-05-31T09:41:00.003-04:00

Wow have I been caught up in my thoughts. Pretty sure I'm anxious. Very sure. I leave the country in a week. I will be on a plane in exactly 7 days- to the hour.

I'm listening to music- other peoples recommendations. It is getting hot. I went for a run this morning. I am scatterbrained.

So what's the scoop Collin? I think the biggest thing is having to say goodbye. Bringing this period to a close has been much harder than I expected. The people are really what hurt. I don't like leaving people. I almost feel like I need to withdrawal a bit. I have so much energy being funneled into my departure. So much hope. So much determination. It actually takes me out of the moment. I noticed my mind has been preoccupied with grand thoughts of how this adventure will play out. But I cant do that. I cant imagine how it will be. The future is not mine to know.

I have a week left in my home. When I say home I mean my bedroom- my oasis. I mean the floorboards and steps and stove which are my home. I will be leaving the streets where I ride my bike; the buildings in which I work and play. I am leaving the parks and mountains and trees which have surrounded me for nearly my whole life.

Yet they will always be with me. They are my roots. They are my past. I no longer want to forget my past. It makes me happy that I am no longer afraid of it. For a long time I was. I hated who I was. I ran as fast as I could. I would stumble in my haste. I couldn't get away fast enough. Fear was my source of energy. My body responded strongly to that powerful force. But I am tired of running. I realize I cant escape who I was. I don't want to escape from my past. It has made me who I am. My story is unique. Yet part of a larger group. Of people who desired to change themselves. In the grandest way I can imagine, I have transformed.

It may sound strange coming from me- the man who in one week is traveling to a small tropical island to establish a life. This time it's different. This time my fuel comes from the joy of living. It is the desire to experience. The rush of existence. My motivation is altogether different.

There is still the desire to not be here. I still strongly dislike Allentown. I actually dislike most east-coast cities. It has much to do with their size, their pollution and the rushed lifestyles of the people which inhabit them. I am leaving to find other places. I want to experience other ways of living. Different ways of doing things. Furthering understanding my self. This adventure comes as a dually motivated experience. It is the desire to leave- yet this desire is overshadowed with the desire to simply live life in the fullest way I can. It is out of love and not fear that I travel forth. I fear yet am not afraid.

A Big Picture

2010-05-29T08:40:00.003-04:00

This morning was a rough start. My mind felt hungover. Restless. Anxious. Truth be told, it was kinda nice. It's been a little while since I've felt so (having trouble finding the word) groggy?

But I'm past that now. It's 8:45. Part of the restlessness this night was from the unknowns concerning my future. Rather than living in the excitement of the present and awareness of my future, I have lingered in the anxious and unproductive realm of the mind. I can now get out of that pretty easily. Today all it took was a shower and a few deep breaths.

It was while showering this morning that a new thought came to mind. It is tangential to my post yesterday which was about the pain which awareness can bring to our lives. Today I realized that it holds true for our species as well. Stay with me:

As an individual becomes more aware of him or herself- their mortality, flaws and frustrations- they go through periods of fear, anxiety and attachment. Fear of death. Anxiety towards their present situation. Attachment to things which help to stabilize their rapidly changing views.

Do you see how this mirrors our current societies? Our species?

With the scientific age accompanied by leaps in technology we as a species have become much more Aware. We know about the world and our existence upon it in ways which previous humans have not. Our collective awareness has not only grown, it has been utterly propelled to new places. We as a creature of this planet can pinpoint any location on the globe and within seconds have aerial views of that place. We have an enormous new understanding of the cosmos. New telescopic technology has allowed us to place ourselves within a much larger tapestry. We simply know more.

Yet like the individual who gains insights into their own life and is confronted with the unknowns of existence, so too does a species. These new understandings which science and technology provide us also leave us with the overwhelming feeling of "Now What!". And just as individuals cling to things which make them feel stable, so too does the species. Just look at the Industrial Revolution perfectly coinciding with the new awareness brought on by advances in science. The mass production and consumption of goods was the social 'drug' used to elleviate the painful and unwanted awareness which was occurring.

So what does our collective awareness now include? I think the most obvious is the frailty of our species. We are collectively facing mortality. The buzzwords for the past few years have been about Apocalypse, Armageddon and every other way the world may end. Science is showing us that we aren't immune to extinction. We are having to face the fact that our choices have repercussions. Slowly our species is becoming more aware.

Ouch

2010-05-28T08:42:00.004-04:00

Enlightenment is a painful journey.

The process of becoming aware is full of self-realization. Self-realization can hurt a lot. It is when we realize truths about ourselves that we feel this pain. When we come to grasp our flaws, true awareness is occurring. The acceptance of these traits is very difficult at first. Most people don't want to accept their weaknesses.

It was while reading a book, Colors of the Mountain, when I realized this. As a boy, Da Chen struggled through a newly communist society. He worked diligently to be accepted as an equal when children from capitalist backgrounds were despised. He was a brilliant student in his early childhood. Yet the social pressures were huge. He left that world and found others who were outcasts of society. He full filled his most necessary emotional needs. It is later though, when he no longer succeeds in school and feels utterly trapped by the world around him, that he is forced to come to grips with his weakness. He is poor farm boy with no future.

As Da absorbed this, he inhaled a potent cigarette- numbing his mind.

There is a lot going on here. For one, we are seeing a young man confront his reality. We are also seeing a very normal reaction to the potent force of self-realization.

We like to think of ourselves as talented in some realms, and simply inexperienced in others. We see our perspective as truth. We live with making few mistakes. At the very least, this may be what defines youth. So what happens when through our life experiences we realize that such things are not true? What happens when a young boy from a farming village in rural China realizes that he has missed the opportunity to create a good life?

I am realizing that people turn to drugs because they are having a tough time dealing with their minds. Notably with the self-conscious and often painful emotions that accompany Awareness. It seems as though drug use begins with an individual when they are confronted with the realization of themselves: their weaknesses, regrets or mortality. The substances vary by culture and time. The reasons, I believe, are often the same.

AWARENESS IS PAINFUL (at first).

My journey has been a horrible one. I say this with love towards myself and all my experiences- but it hasn't been easy. Everyone has a story, and it is unique. We all have different backgrounds and come from unique points in history. Understanding our own story is vital to self-awareness. Some transitions to awareness last through years of addictions. Others occur in a few seconds- a brush with death, a miraculous enlightenment. Whatever way it happens, keep going. There are so many times in life where we can sit and realize all the ways we haven't lived up to our own expectations. Do this and then get up.

Begin again. Begin as many times as you need in order to create the life you want. It is only when you accept defeat from life that you submit your power.

Keep beginning.

Big Bridge with a (Far) Bigger Sky

2010-05-20T08:28:00.004-04:00

When thinking of Allentown, what comes to mind? Bethlehem Steel, the Billy Joel song, maybe the PP&L building. How about the grand bridge which connects the south and center? I caught it on a day with a most vibrant sky. The clouds were layered as if strata in the sky. The Albertus L. Myers Bridge (8th St.) opened in 1913 and at the time was the longest and highest concrete bridge in the world.

3 Weeks.

2010-05-18T10:07:00.004-04:00

I am beaming. Ear to ear, in an exaggerated sense.

I will be leaving this place in a few weeks. For good and bad. The bad: the wonderful people I have met in the past few months, and the lasting friendships I have created. (Also finding out that calling from the Virgin Islands is going to cost me a dollar a minute even with the international plan). I am really happy with this emotion though- having a tinge of regret is showing me that I have come upon some wonderful people. I never expected to find this coming back to Allentown.

Allentown was always a place where I existed as a child- a sheltered and ignorant child. My most recent return has been an effort to rediscribe this place. So I wouldn't have it being a place I feared coming back to. My goal has been accomplished (even while staying with my parents). Now at 4 1/2 months I am pretty happy. With 20 days to go I have a full schedule. A VERY full schedule.

A couple weeks ago I was hoping to have these last weeks as a relaxing period. But I am finding it more than acceptable to have so many people wanting to do things before I leave. It feels really good to have friendships again.

The good:
Well there's lots of it. This whole experience is jaw-dropping. I feel so utterly fortunate. This experience is exactly what I have been working towards over the past few years. Beautiful places, friendly people, meaningful work and few expenses. These are the things that I am looking for in a 'career'. The route from college didn't offer me these, so I went about finding them myself. This latest experience is serendipitous. But such events are 1/2 luck and 1/2 being able to say yes to them. I have worked hard the past years in order to be able to say yes. And it is paying off. Big time.

3 weeks. A good 3 weeks.

A Brief Conversation

2010-05-17T09:03:00.006-04:00

I just spoke with a very wise man.

He is one of my regulars at the coffee shop, first customer of the day.

I have long noticed that he lives with a calm demeanor- carrying with him a lasting wisdom.

I read the newspaper this morning. The only article of genuine interest was about the oil leakage in the Gulf of Mexico. 210,000 gallons a day.

I turned to my customer, the wise man, and asked him if I could ask a question. He said sure.

"Where do you think the world is heading?"

He shrugged. I knew he had a good answer.

I waited patiently. He began with words that hadn't occurred to me.

He said that the problem is not with the world- or with the events like the oil leakage. The problem lies in our perspective. He elaborated.

We in the United States have a unrealistic and unsustainable perspective. It is a perfectionist mentality.

He told me about a friend of his- a professor of sociology. His understanding was that life is 1/3 good, 1/3 bad and 1/3 ehh. "If you can keep that balance you're doing pretty good."

But Americans don't live this way. We expect the best all the time. We want all good. And in our quest for all good, we are unsympathetic and unforgiving.

My regular made a related point. It is about happiness.

In our search for perfection, we strive for what is 'best'. We base our happiness upon objects and events. We look for new things and new role models to fill in us the sense of perfection we hope to see in the world. This is unsustainable. And unrealistic. We try so hard to not allow life to be what it is. Sometimes life isn't great. We need to accept that. I need to accept that.

According to my customer, the world is as it always has been. Part good, part bad and part mediocre.

Photos Are Back!

2010-05-15T12:26:00.009-04:00

I am back with a new camera! Now I can end the incessant writing... thank goodness! Taking photos is much easier than writing, in my mind. I find photographing things involves a relationship to the external world while writing comes from an interior place. Too much interior stuff is not a good thing. I like balancing my blog with photos. Lots of them. Here is the first with my new camera!

Paths, Directions, Courses and Avenues

2010-05-15T11:14:00.002-04:00

This morning, while cleaning my living space and enjoying some breakfast on the deck, I began thinking about myself. It occurred to me that I am at a very pivotal point in my life; there are so many potential directions ahead of me. On paper this sounds really neat. I sound like a vagabond, a free-spirit.

But in my thoughts, this message came across differently. It had a tone of caution.

The thoughts which accompanied this main idea where focused on all the ways I could screw things up. I thought of all the personalities I could become. (eg: continually going from place to place without establishing any long term relationships or commitments). The lifestyle I engage, and the environments I surround myself by will ultimately alter me. I do believe this is true.

Time Out:
I am listening to my father talk to his brother about my trip to St. Croix. It is beginning to bother me that many people don't recognize some of the difficulties that accompany such an experience. A large part of my thoughts this morning where focused on the difficulties associated with what I am doing. There is a huge emotional strain when I completely uproot myself and establish a new life. My family doesn't seem to recognize this. Time out over.

So this morning I was confronted with a mental construct: how to engage in an "explorer-like" lifestyle without loosing the social and personal normalities I hold essential to a functioning human being?

Various possibilities entered my mind. I realized how significant a time this is for me. I feel as though I have very few roots. Although this may seem advantageous, even necessary for a traveler, it is occasionally scary. Sometimes I wish for the close and comfortable grasp of relationships one can only experience from a pleasant childhood. But then I wake up and realize that I can create the life I want. I am doing it, actually. Yet I do dislike the idea of continually uprooting myself for the next few years.

A sunny day in the midst of May.

2010-05-13T14:56:00.002-04:00

My name is Collin Cavote.
Sometimes I forget this.

Once in a while, I am too caught up in the process of life to remember who I am.

I forget that I am a young man becoming aware in an unstable world.
My mind occasionally doesn't remember that I was born in the United States, a place called Allentown.

I realize that I don't often recall who I was. That I was a young man, ignorant to the world. I forget that I was once unaware of so much. That I have grown from then.

It's so easy sometimes to get caught up in our lives. In the minor details. I like to remember my past, for it is what describes me now.

Every past event has formed me into who I am today. The past and my choices in the present will create the person I wish to be. I have this power. I am so thankful.

Remembering the past can be sad. It can bring us to tears. It can make us hate ourselves. Feel alone. Anxious. Empty.

But in these moments are the seeds of a fuller life. A life made aware of who we are. Of the struggles we have faced. The obstacles overcome. Remembering the past gives us power in the present.

I would like to share some of my past:

I was born into a middle class family in a medium sized city. I worked towards the goal of a stable career: the most regularly instilled aspiration. I marched to this beat until my freshman year in college. I was exposed to a larger world. In fear I left everything I had every worked towards- including my relationships. I searched desperately for meaning. I found strength in myself. I began a process of becoming more aware. I taught myself. I listened to elders. I shared my deepest thoughts and emotions. I took pictures and drew on paper. I began to find things which had meaning in the new world I was exposed to.

Now I am at a new point in this process. It is unfamiliar. It has not passed me yet, and therefor, I cannot describe it. But I can try.

It is a mindset in which I again have power and confidence in myself. I have found things which inspire me. I have beauty in life, again. The point I am at now is one which is ready to see the world and expose myself and others to the vast brilliance it has to offer. I have fears still. I wonder how I will pay for it. Will I be safe?

There are a lot of unknowns about my future. I am happy with this. It is much more full filling creating the life I want to have rather than knowing my goal and working towards it. In the process of working towards an endpoint, we often miss so much in between. My aim is to not live with an endpoint. My aim is to live each day with grace and compassion. To discover beauty and life. I will head forward into the darkness and unknowns- knowing that I will be okay.

My name is Collin Cavote.

This is my story.

Decisions

2010-05-07T09:00:00.005-04:00

A thought occured to me while riding my bike.

As you have possibaly read from some of my previous posts, I am not real sure about myself. I am doing some really 'cool' things but coolness doesn't usually pay the bills. Lots of thoughts are going on now... A bog part of that being my peers graduating from college in a few weeks. A few insecurities are coming back. Did I make the right choice?

What I have learned is that we can never tell. But I would like to share something with you.

As followers may know, I was in a catastrophic motor vehicle accident last July. By all accounts I shouldn't exist anymore.

After climbing out of my car- a safe and trustworthy Honda CRV- I organized my thoughts. First: make sure my sister- my passenger- was okay. My next thought: will I still be able to go to Arkansas and assist the potter?

I made up my mind that I would do whatever I needed to in order to make it happen. Within a week I had purchased my bus ticket.

This story is ultimatly one of not giving up.

I realized today that there is another interpretation. What this experience showed me is that I am living life in my grandest way. Even after facing death, I dreamed the same dream. My accident didn't change my aspirations- as I hear from many people who come close to death. What I am beginning to realize is that I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.

Tunnel Time

2010-05-07T07:58:00.005-04:00

Today marks the 7th of May. One month until I leave for St. Croix.

There are a few thoughts which keep me from really enjoying this notion.

As I have said for years, I hate living here, in Allentown. My goal this past January of staying sane through 5 more months of living with my parents is wearing me thin (Them too). I will write more about this at some point, but for now, with my goal in reach- I find time literally standing still. The month of March passed me by like a cheetah. April followed quickly. Now, only one week into May, I feel as though I have been trodding through knee-deep mud. It is weird to think that my birthday was 2 weeks ago. It feels like 2 months.

The lining to this whole time-dilation thing is that I am only a few weeks away from reaching my goal... one of my hardest goals. The reason this one was so hard is because there are so many elements here which dont allow me to be the person I want to be (including self imposed things). When I was living in Arkansas with an isolated and unsociable person (the only person in my life for those months) I was able to get through it because I had someone- something- to direct my negative energy towards. My family and friends will be quick to tell of my long phone calls made out of desperation. But living here- at home with my friends and family- is much too much. Now my main discomfort is living in my parents home. But how do I direct my distaste for this when I am living rent free? Well I cant. So I write about it here.

Allentown also misses the mark in terms of things to do. It is a dead city. I know of small towns that have a culture far stronger and more vibrant than Allentown. Lots of people say that it is on the cusp of something great, but people have long said that and it hasn't. If anything it is spiraling downward. It is a depressing place to live. I really dislike it here.

So why did I come back? Good Question.

This past October, through the help of my host in Arkansas, I discovered a food allergy. My reaction to wheat was so profound that within 3 days of not consuming it, I felt more competent and alive than I had felt in the better part of 3 years. My entire perspective changed in the matter of a few days. I became a new person. The effect I experience from consuming wheat is neurological. It is a combination of lethargy, introversion, negativity and anxiety. I usually group these experiences into a single word: DEPRESSION.

For the past 3 years I was depressed for nearly the entire time. Last October, all that changed. So there I was, in the middle of Arkansas wondering what to do with my newly rediscovered self. Because I wasn't as fearful or anxious, coming home seemed fine. I set up my studio space at a local art school and had a few places to apply to for a job. I pulled my fathers bike out of the garage which I decided to use as my sole means of transportation. I also opened myself up to the idea of a relationship.

Even with all this set up, and getting the job I wanted within 2 weeks of coming back, I realized stying here would be tough. In the end I did it to show myself that I didn't need to run from my fears. For the past 3 years, I made choices from a fearful place. I did things to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Now though, I run straight towards them. I meet them head on. I shake hands with my enemies.

The biggest change I have experienced while staying here is an adjustment in my perspective. For those few years I was so concerned about not doing things which could potentially hurt me. In the process I missed a lot of what life is all about... LIVING.

Even though I really hate living here, I am making it work. And I am getting through this experience. As a wise and loving friend once told me, "You can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep going." And I will. 4 weeks of Allentown. Lets have some fun!

Patience towards Self.

2010-05-04T15:51:00.002-04:00

Who am I? This is something I am trying to figure out. I go through stages. Some periods are clear and I have a great sense of who I am. A lot of other times I have no clue. I have a mind which seeks answers. Some people tell me to stop trying so hard. This is part of it. I must come to grips with the fact that I won't have all the answers at the age of twenty two. I often don't grant myself the patience. I expect a lot from myself. Today I am coming back to the solutions I have found through my life. Some of these lessons have taught me to relax and not worry about the answers to lifes questions. They are ellusive and searching for them will prevent me from loving on this moment. That's half the situation. Another part of my learning has informed me that it is important to have some understandings of how things work. That the process of searching is healthy. It makes us question what we have been taught or learnd. Questioning and searching is healthy.

Two options. As I often do, I chose both. I find that solutions are often a merger of the apparent extremes. The word is balance. I have been searching for balance for a while now. It's hard I think. Chosing one thing and acting on it is easier than incorporating multiple views at once. Sometimes I feel pulled in so many directions. I try so hard to make the most responsible choices interms of environmental, social and personal goals. It is a morality of sorts... A self impossed guidbook based on the knowledge that I pocess.

I feel like I have to balance too many things. Too many different views and expectations. What I would like to do is acknowledge and accept my own deffinitions. I want a philosophy- a perspective- a framework with which to organize events and people and places. At this point in my life I am coming to understand what this place is all about. I will be patient as I learn through the process of trial and error.

The removal of Me.

2010-05-02T09:49:00.004-04:00

This is tough. This may prove to be my most difficult challenge yet. I have a month remaining in the continental united states. I am going to a place I have never been. I am going to a place that is quite different.

I am ready to leave, but I am not there yet. I must wait. This is the hard part.

I long for time to rest my mind and body. When I am in cities and fast paced societies, I do not function as I wish to live. My mind races, my body suffers and I lose sense of who I am.

The modern world strips us of our individuality. Perhaps I miss myself. With the standardization of most everything in our lives, so too has come the standardization of ourselves. We are homogeneous people. This is an error. The universe abhors homogeneity. Diversity is the name of the game. We are one, but we are all different. As living things, the more unique and varied our ideas, the more successful we will be as a species. A community works better than an individual. But if a community is built from all like-minded people with the same aspirations, fears and lifestyles- then it is in a sense a singular being. A community- or for that matter any living organism- will die when diversity does not exist. Diversity is what allows a few individuals to survive when something big happens. But when we're all the same, we all go.

What I long for is the ability to express my individuality. I find it very difficult in modern societies because most of these environments require lots of money. Lots of money requires lots of time spent earning it. This detracts from time I want to spend living my life. It is selfish but not greedy. I think we as individuals need to ask ourselves what is truly important to us. For generations, US citizens have not asked themselves what they want. They have followed a trend which has been buttressed by media, politics and the very structure of our society.

Why do I think so Much?

2010-05-01T08:24:00.002-04:00

Like some of my posts have pointed out lately, I have been thinking a lot. For me, it is too much. There are thoughts which doubt my confidence, which dwell in fear and which circumvent my plans for the future. The thoughts I have been having are unhealthy ones. But I know why I am having them.

If we go back to my writings from November and December of 2009, I mention a few qualms about coming back to the modern world- more specifically- Allentown. Through my travels, I have learned something very profound about myself, and that of the Western World.

What I learned is that not only are we irresponsible with the environment, politics and business; westerners are irresponsible with their own lives.

What do you mean by this?

I mean that we as western citizens follow lifestyles and live in society which place so much stress upon ourselves, that we develope disease and unhappiness- resulting in a crumbling society and shorter lives. Not only are our lives lived in a rushed and unenjoyed fashion, but they are also cut short because of it. Westerns dont there cake and sure as hell dont get to eat. Truthfully, most westerners dont even know the cake exists.

What's this cake i'm talking about?

It is being able to have the time to sit on a porch and watch the sun set, with friends gathered around, a meal in your tummy and an evening or relaxation ahead of you. It is about not waking up 5 days a week for work. It is about having time to spend with your children. If westerners only knew that the way to get what they want is to not try so hard, they would surely all have it. There is so much extra cake in these countries... we simply move too fast to notice it.

So why am i thinking so much?

Because I am visiting this rushed and chaotic place. I am seeing yet again, how it changes me. Most people dont really get to experience this change. I realize that when I am living in cities and faced paced societies, my mind races. It tries to keep up with all the things going on around it. It wants to stay afloat amidst all the conflicting ideas, opinions, etc. For how advanced our species is, we certainly haven't simplified our lives. We have- on the contrary- made them more complicated with every step we take. My goal is to teach the world that the solution is not to work harder, but to work less. I want to show you how.

What to Do?

2010-04-29T09:28:00.003-04:00

While listening to sigur rós this morning, I recalled my deepest truth about life.

There is nothing I must do. So I may as well do something.

This is the underlying principle to why I am here, today. The first part of this is why I left college. The later is why I am living my life in the most beautiful way I can perceive. The reason I do what I do is because I realize there are no impositions upon us.

At first I was entirely overwhelmed by this truth. Life seemed meaningless- empty. But this forced me to search for the most meaningful things to ME. I shed off the cultural and familiar standards and found my own. I figured- if I am going to live my life, I am going to do it with my own goals and my own awareness towards my actions.

This has been my life process for the past 3 years. I do things because I realize there is nothing that I need to do. I choose life. I chose life.

TechnoCulture

2010-04-28T15:46:00.003-04:00

Something occurred to me about 10 minutes ago. It involves society, technology and their relationship with one another.

After living without certain technologies for a few months, I realize that they are not essential to the functioning of a human. Duh! But lets face it- recent generations are as reliant on technology as previous generations were to the plough. So maybe that's a stretch. But you get the point. Western cultures have a deep and lasting use for technology. I wonder why.

A lot of people blame technology for making people less sociable. We can now sit in homes that are far apart and message one another about trivial things. We no longer engage in face-to-face communication for extended periods of time. 'Blame it on those cell phones!'.

What occurred to me this afternoon is that technology is acting in response to our cultural desolation. Lets face it America- without Facebook, cell phones or Twitter- we would be a complete hermitage. The reason technology is thriving in the western world is because it is the only glue which is holding us together as a society.

When I am living simply- on farms or in forests- I find that I naturally dont need computers or television. When I am around people to converse with and settings which are not so hectic- technological gadgets are some of the first things to fall out of my routine. I rely on people and places to offer me the real thing... connections!

The reason our society relies on technology is not because technology has possessed us, but because we long for real connections. They offer us the closest alternative.

I am Transitioning! Finally!

2010-04-28T13:44:00.004-04:00

Why do people crave vacations? Why do they become relaxed when away from the very place which they should be the most relaxed in- their homes? Why do we dread coming back to 'life'?

I am confronting some of these questions as I think about my travels. I see this in me too. I notice my thoughts occasionally- how I cant wait to be away from here so I can 'be myself again'. I realize I confront this situation from a different perspective than most. My life is that of a traveler, explorer and gatherer of wisdom. This is my natural lifestyle now. This is what I crave. I long to get back to life. I am impatient to leave not because I want to be on vacation- this is wrong-but because I want to get back to my life.

Let me clarify:

There is a transition period between college student and a career world traveler. Throw in some depression and this transition is made all the more difficult. (I think we have all heard enough about that part of my life for now). Back to the transition! So imagine being in college and dependent upon a job and tied to an area. You are in debt and getting more. Your future is designed around graduation and potential jobs or grad school. Your future is defined. When you are able to break from this lifestyle, we call it a vacation. Now after leaving that system, I have begun taking quarterly year trips to different places. In the old system, it would seem as though I were taking a quarter of the year off to go on vacation. But an interesting thing happens when you do this often. I began to realize that those 4 months were what I wanted my life to become. Now I confront life from a very different view. I settle down and get a job for a few months so I can get back to my life... a life of travel and new discoveries.

Granted, living a few months in a place and working two jobs to save money can drive me crazy! I am getting better though. The transition is happening! This last time around was my best, most productive and most enjoyed period of conventional work. As I find new options and learn to transition more thoroughly, I hope to find ways to keep up my lifestyle. Sound impossible? Stay tuned!

(Re) Process

2010-04-27T09:02:00.006-04:00

I have been feeling a lot of pressure lately- a lot of thoughts being created in my head. What is the proper word to describe this? How about, "AGGHHH!". Yes, that's it. That word sums up the past few days of my overworking mind.

So, what have I been thinking about? A large part of my awake time is occupied by my immediate future. With my departure to St. Croix comes a lot of unknowns. I literally have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in about 1 month. A lot of nervous energy gets created. It is my job to rationalize what is happening, and quite these thoughts. Most of the nervous thoughts are about unknowns. I was raised in a hugely organized and plan oriented society. For 20 years, this is what I knew. So what happens when all your culturally instilled safety nets are gone? Well, i'll tell you what: Your mind is very quick to point out all the problems that could confront you. It becomes insatiably nervous with the unknowns. I am going against everything I have been taught:

Go to college.
Take out loans.
Get a job.
Work for next 40 years.
Retire.

This is not only the lifestyle I have been taught. It is the very definition of what safety is- in my society. Within the United States, this is simply what you do. Last year I described myself as though a vine reaching skyward... slowly growing and reaching through the air for something new to grasp. This image is one of my favorites from the documentary, Planet Earth. And it still holds true. I am growing in a direction I am not entirely sure of. It is a solo path. With this process comes a lot of stress. I think this will last until I become more comfortable with the process of growth. I would like to have more faith in this process.

I've made it!

2010-04-25T07:28:00.003-04:00

The past 4 months have been a deep holding of my breath. My last gasp of air was taken in Lake Tahoe. I hoped in the water and went for a deep swim the past few months. It was uncomfortable, cold and long. Coming back to the valley was an adventure. It will be, at its close on June 7th, a 5 month intensive in facing fear. My biggest fear for 3 years was being here.

My hardest journey is being here, in the Lehigh Valley. It has a lot to do with my history here. I am an explorer. After living on beaches and boats, seeing unparalleled beauty and experiencing new ways of living, I have come back to meet the same place. I have changed dramatically in the past 3 years. Without a doubt. It is easy to leave other places. But this is a place I needed to come to terms with. My whole known family is here (minus a satellite in Georgia).

So I am nearing the end of my stay here. I made it! There were times which were extremely difficult. But I knew all this when leaving Tahoe. I knew confronting my biggest fear would be tough. Duh! I'd be silly to think otherwise. I cant stand living with my family. It's that simple. I actually dont mind the Lehigh Valley. I could certainly live here. But... I have my sights set on other things.

I am an explorer. I have goals of being other things as well. Things which wake me up in the morning... at 6:30- even after a night of drinking. I dont know what my home is. At this point in my life, I would say I dont have one. I am a nomad. I could think that each place I stay at is my home. 'Home is where the the heart is.' But no. I dont like that view. Home is an intentional place where you intend to spend a long length of time in permanent situation. I dont even have plans after the next 2 months!

Actually, I lie. I will be on an island in the Caribbean.

Shoutout to Earth

2010-04-22T14:55:00.007-04:00

I purchased 7 brands of water yesterday from 2 stores. I got the good stuff. Waters from around the world. I am fascinated by regional specific goods. Especially foods. And when they come directly from the earth, I am even more on board. Location specific waters- which most of these are- are luxury items for sure. Some of these waters are from islands, others come from remote areas of Europe. Their costs are huge... and I'm not even talking about money.

We are extracting a vital commodity from the earth. The ecosystems in these areas are dependent upon the historical levels of the aqueducts. I often feel like my spoiled western situation allows for me to rob a pristine land of it's most important resource, pack it in small toxic packaging we call plastic and ship it over sea by massive boats. All because my own culture is too destructive to take care of our own water supplies. (And we are too wealthy)

I feel this bottled water issue speaks to a larger concern. Our planets waters are in a dire state. They are transitioning from healthy to empty. They are contaminated with everything we have tossed their way- from industrial waste to household refuse. Our inability to limit our waste or manage our needs has resulted in a serious situation. Deserts are spreading. Oceans are diseased. Rain is toxic. Aquifers are being depleted. Drinkable water is limited and shrinking. And life which depends on water is feeling the pressure.

We must begin acting now if we hope to keep this planet looking anything close to the way we found it. There is no problem with change. The problem comes when changes occur too quickly for the other variables to keep up. I can speak to this on a personal level. After leaving college I changed dramatically. Things would come and go from life at exceptionally fast rates. Nothing was routine. Nothing orderly. I rode this roller coaster for a while. The ride is just beginning to slow down. I am beginning to uncover some regularity. I changed just about as much as I was capable of. I walked the line and at any point could have faltered. Change is necessary. The goal is to begin consciously creating change with a manageable pace. Likewise, changing our planet is fine. There is nothing wrong with moving things around or creating new things. But moderation people! We are creating change faster than our planet (and life) is capable of responding to without massive shifts.

The point I wish to leave you with is this:

Most 'solutions' to our environmental, social and political problems involve new discoveries. But I promote something else. My recommendation is that we learn to slow down our lives. It is not through new technology to meet our needs, but rather through lessening our needs, that we will be able to restore (or create) stability. By continually meeting our needs, we allow ourselves to expand. What we need to do now is work with what we have, improve in some directions, and simplify our lives. Only once we are in a stable place- as a species and planet- will we be able to march towards a new goal.

Creating a Future

2010-04-21T08:04:00.003-04:00

Firstly, I would like to apologize to all of you for not having pictures lately. For reasons not entirely known, I have stopped taking pictures. I think because my life has been rather busy lately. I notice that the things I do 'for me' are the first things to go when my life gets hectic. This bothers me. I know that the things I do for my well being are important. Loosing them from my daily life is not healthy. Photography, Art, Cooking and Blogging are some of the first things to disappear from my days. I will begin taking more photos. I am looking into a new camera. Finances are the determining factor.

A second note: This June I am heading to a small Caribbean Island. St. Croix will be my home for an unknown amount of time. Yesterday, I handed my manager at the Brew Works notice of my plans. Although I had been keeping her verbally informed of my plans, handing her my request off was very empowering. Dates: June 7th - ?

There is a double sided effect to an unknown future. For one, it can be scary. Not knowing can be hard. This is what I consider faith. It is heading into the dark with only yourself. My definition of faith is putting yourself out there and having the confidence that things will work out. It is more a perspective than an abstract concept. The other side of an unknown future is sheer beauty. My life will entirely change on June 7th. I have constructed my life to allow for such things. I will be ready to come back to the Lehigh Valley, I will be ready to stay there for months, I will be ready to go somewhere new, and I will be ready to die. I have discovered that this later option is always important to include. It is always around the corner. It is important to embrace it as an option. I have a belief that we should live as though we were dying. In effect we are. 80 years or so. But I try to live with a more immediate deadline. It keeps me doing the things I really want to do. It keeps me more alive. And it keeps me aware and appreciative of the brevity of life.

I have learned that death is not something to be feared. Death is a transition. The concept of "I" will most likely not survive. But the Universe is One. My physical constituents will not go anywhere. I will remain right here. My brain turned off. "I" no longer thinking. I think it is peaceful. I could really use a long break from consciousness. Damn it can be tiring! But the point I am making is this: Live life as though you were dying. Do the things you would like to do regardless of your point in the process of life. Know that death accompanies you everywhere. It doesn't take much. So I stress we all come to grips with it. There WILL be a time. Make friends with it now, and it will make the rest of your life all the more enjoyable. When we do things out of love rather than fear, we begin to see the wonders of life.

What would I like to happen in St. Croix? I am ready to create my own home. I am very much eager to create my own life. I am quite exhausted from living with my parents. This trip is now my 4th long term solo adventure. I want this one to become a place to stay.

My definition of home is a limited one. Home is anyplace which we know. I can develop home anywhere. But, home requires time. To create a home, one must know their surroundings. In a city, one must know people, buildings and streets. In the woods, a person must know the trees, rivers and mountains. What I am looking for is a place I can come to know. I want to discover a place. I want a place which becomes important to me. I want people who I can share with, and who wish to share with me.

What this trip holds is not in my ability to know. But I can make steps to allow for a future which I would like to have. I know what I want. It is much harder for me to go after my goals while living at home. On the occasions where I have traveled from this place, I find myself able to act on my own wishes more easily. I am waiting to arrive on the island before thinking much more about my life. I will of course keep the commentary running, but life decisions will be put on hold. I have a very valuable opportunity ahead of me. This time, I am ready for it. This time, I will act on it.

This time, I am ready to make a big step towards creating my life as I see fit.

Is it really One?

2010-04-20T09:44:00.002-04:00

Okay, so the Universe is One. That sounds nice, but how practical is it? How truthfully does it reflect reality. I detest things which are not current and accurate. This is not to say I dislike historical things, but when we're talking about truth, we must work with the most current understandings.

The past few days, I sure felt isolated and overwhelmed. I sure didn't feel like a part of the universe. I felt like an internalized beast. Overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions. This is the minds work. When we allow our minds to run our lives, they can wreak havoc. I am meeting many people with overworked minds. With all the pulls of modern life, our minds lack the time needed to recover and concentrate. We are constantly going from one thing to the next. The result is that we seldom have the time to relocate and center ourselves.

When I was living in Arkansas, I practiced a visualization technique which helped me to center myself when my mind was running rampant. I shut my eyes and take a few deep breaths. This step is very calming. I would then picture myself lying on the floor. Now imagine Google Earth, with its capability of zooming out. Soon I can see the walls of the room I am in. Eventually the roof of the structure comes to view. Then, the trees which surround the house. Soon I am zooming out rapidly, roads and rivers come into view. Clouds fill the scene. Eventually continents and oceans lead to the periphery of our planet.

I sometimes go further yet. My love for astronomy allows me to accurately visualize an even more distant view of myself. The solar system shrinks as I enter our neighborhood of stars. Soon the Milky Way swirls powerfully in it's local cluster. Within seconds I am at the limits of human understanding.

This activity brings me back to who I think I am. An animal who occupies time and space upon this planet. The law I understand is that of change. The universe is a constantly evolving place. It began and it will seemingly end. I will fill a period of time inconceivably small. Yet to me, it is everything I will ever experience.

I find truth to be utterly beautiful.

Drink and Draw. Do It.

2010-04-18T11:16:00.004-04:00

I want to give a shout out to The Hard Bean Cafe for a stellar night. Drink and Draw- an event of art, beverage and music will continue next month.

For a wonderful review of the event by fellow blogger Jamie Karpovich, Click Here.

Next Event:
Monday May 13th.
$10.
Bring Drawing Supplies.

Go To Sleep, Fool

2010-04-18T08:18:00.003-04:00

Just as life will flourish once given the opportunity, so too will an individual. It is remarkable how mailable a person can be. I write from experience. I am a changed man. In many ways, a different man. I have experienced so many ways of living. I have felt so many unique perspectives. My life has been a constant struggle to find myself in the midst of adversity. Today, I am discovering it. In the past few months, I am realizing myself. I am finding remarkable strength in this process.

There are so many things in our modern world which are distracting. For one, the pace of our lives is utterly out of control. The latest issue of National Geographic has a major article on Sleep. It makes so much sense that sleep is important. Most every living thing of a larger scale is required to rest. Some animals have developed incredible quasi-sleep patterns in which 1/2 of their brain remains active- to limit their vulnerability to predation during rest. Even so, scientists (or as I like to call them, learners) are attempting to figure out more about sleep. They don't know the whys but they know we need it. And they also know that we as western people are not getting enough.

A major part of the article (click here to link to the online version) concerned adolescent sleep patterns. The natural sleep cycle for this group is late to sleep and late to rise. Yet our society is stuck in tradition. There is a stigma attached to sleeping "in". But folks, why? Why is engaging in one of the most natural process around considered lazy. One of the problems with the western world is that we try to make adults out of kindergartners. We don't allow individuals to act their age. We want everyone to be responsible and 'adult like'. In reality this creates stressed and overworked children, ultimately leading to unfulfilled and irresponsible adults. When we don't allow ourselves to act on our natural tendencies, they stick with us. If we aren't able to be kids when we're kids, we will want to be kids when we aren't.

Back to sleep. We aren't getting enough of it. Insomnia is on the rise. Could stressful lives be leading to such a thing? Could long work days, commutes and unwelcoming family situation be the cause? Perhaps we are discovering another clue to our Western puzzle. Perhaps yet another shred of evidence telling us that we are doing things all wrong. We work too hard for goals which most will never experience. Our goals in the first place are unfounded. They are baseless. They are rooted in a lifestyle which my generation wants nothing to do with. Retirement? Why not just live an enjoyable life the whole time? (More on this to come)

I am really proud of my generation. There are a handful of us who are sorting out a new direction from the trash heap left by our predecessors. Internet has allowed for knowledge to be shared. My generation is taking that information- removing all the crap we've been fed by society and family- and establishing new goals based on new perspectives. If anyone is going to get this species and our planet back on track, it is us. And with little time to spare.

I am ranting a bit. Truth be told, I have been working my butt off. So much work leaves me little time for blogging. I don't have a commitment to this blog. I write when I want. This creates a relaxing writing situation. There are few things I hate more than obligatory conversation or writing. If I don't feel like doing something which isn't necessary, I wont do it.

The above paragraph is what my generation is discovering. It seems as though we have grasped, at a young age, the brevity of life. For reasons I don't yet know, we realize that life is too short to not do the things which aren't important. And this leads me to another vital change our generation has made. We have redescribed what 'importance' actually is. Ever since industrialization, the things deemed important have changed very little. We were stuck in a generational hand-me-down of aspirations. We took what our parents and society said without asking questions. Work hard to support a family and eventually retire. This was the mindset.

I think my generation is part of a movement which transcends an even larger process. We are returning to our roots as a species. We are reuniting with the natural world. We are attempting to break down the boundaries established by our ancestors. For millenia and millenia, stretching back to the advent of consciousness, survival has been hard but simple. The needs were food, water, shelter. We reproduced. We died. Somewhere between then and now a hell of a lot of changes took place. Now we have names for our syndrome. "Westernism", "Modern Lifestyle", "American". These things, to me, are describing a cultural mindset in which people strive for intangible goals and in the process miss the daily life which surrounds them. This disease is about working hard now to enjoy life later. *This is key* Westerners treat life as an investment. If I work hard now, I will be able to have fun later.(Interestingly, this is also how we look at afterlife: If I do good now, I will be rewarded later) But folks, life is not so stable. We die, we have children, things change. When we have a goal of enjoying life in the distant future, we completely miss the enjoyment it has to offer now.

If I have learned 5 things over the past few years, one of the most important is to never wait to enjoy life. It can be over before you know it. It took a near fatal car accident to remind me of this lesson. Now it is here to stay.

I have found that a lot of people protest the idea of enjoying life. They think it irresponsible. When I tell people how I live, they get jealous. They think they couldn't do such a thing. All I have to say... "YES YOU CAN!". You just have to give up on all your safety nets. You must cast away all the garbage that you've been taught and begin trusting in yourself... and the universe. The reason your life sucks isn't because the universe is an evil place. It is because you are stuck in a culture which is a miserable place to be.

People also think it is expensive to do the things I do. My newest plan (which involves a one way ticket to St. Croix) is being met with awestruck eyes. How can you afford to do that? It is tough to explain. I live very simply. That's it. Part of the issue is people work so hard that when they finally get a week or weekend to vacation, they go crazy. The buy the nicest things and stay at expensive places. People don't know how to travel anymore. They spend a ton of money which leaves them feeling stressed upon returning home... resulting in the need to work more. CYCLES. GET OUT OF THEM.

The reason I am able to do the things I do is because I have created a lifestyle very different from most. I am a traveler. I live without a lot of things that most people take for granted in our society. (Hello, no car!). I spend money only on things which are important to me. Like I said earlier, if there is something you don't like, change it. I have been changing my life a whole lot the past few years. The result is that I live pretty inexpensively. I have money to spend on organic food, good scotch and art. The things I enjoy most are free. Find things to do which don't cost anything. Most of these things will also slow down your lifestyle. You will begin to enter into a new cycle. As you need less, you will be able to work less. BUT DON'T EXPECT MIRACLES. Changes like these can take a while. Especially if you have kids or other life situations which I haven't had to work through.

Summing things up:
-The Western lifestyle Sucks.
-It is the job of you to make the changes you want in your life.
-Live cheaply. It is not a sign of low class.
-Get some Sleep!!!

An Open Mind

2010-04-15T08:50:00.002-04:00

Endings can really suck.
Especially when we create them ourselves.
When we don't really want them.

Sometimes, I am finding, we must be proactive.
Purvey the course, and make choices which reflect it.
Sometimes choices are less of a choice and more of a realization.

Even so, endings can suck. This one will linger with me for a while.

So I am here, feeling more alone than I have in a long time. The best thing about blogging is that it doesn't talk back. I can write as much as I want, whatever I want, and it wont tell me what to do or what to think. It is a completely open mind. Unbiased. I have put things here which I wouldn't share to people. Interestingly, I put on the most public place available- Internet! Yet it's different. When you share something in conversation, there are so many opportunities to be interrupted. When writing, one is able to complete their thoughts and arguments before it is even published. This gives one confidence in what they have recorded. If and when someone sees what has been written, there exists a conversational delay. The word 'comment' comes to mind. Comment implies an opinion. This opinion is often sent a day or so after the original posting. These factors are not found in face-to-face conversation. These factors force personal growth upon us. When we talk to people, we get their views very readily and very quickly. When we write to a completely open and unbiased destination, I find that I write until I figure out the problem at hand. With nobody to inform us of their views, we are able to create our own reality much more easily.

Obviously, there is balance to be had. Being a hermit is miserable. Conversation is the most stable and helpful way to communicate. Sometimes in our live however, we simply don't know who to talk to. There are things which I haven't been able to share with people- because I haven't known people who thought the way I did. Few things are worse than sharing your deepest thoughts and having the other person dismiss, laugh or completely miss the point.

All my writings are here to read. It is a log of my perception. I think there is a lot of valuable stuff here. I have tried hard to write when I felt I couldn't. The result is some stuff which I hope people can relate to. On this planet, we all experience sadness, fear and aloneness. My hope is that I can show that such things can end. We can bring about the changes we wish to experience. And I hope to prove that it is a worthwhile pursuit.

Todays Encounter

2010-04-14T21:15:00.003-04:00

Agh.

Major agh.

After a day of attempting to bring myself back to normalcy, I returned 'home' to find myself confronted by my mother. Home is increasingly becoming a place where I am uncomfortable. I feel accused, accosted and not able to live my life the way I see fit.

This afternoon my mother came to me explaining how the whole family is worried about me. The words she used were 'We're worried about you'. What I find so interesting is that my level of confidence and enjoyment of life is inversely proportional to the level of confidence my family has in me. What this tells me is this: That my family's interest for me are different than what I see for myself. The reason they are uncomfortable for me is because I am making choices which they wouldn't. I think this is the greatest complement they could unknowingly offer me.

The poking and prodding she did got me all introverted, existential and concerned. Basically, what she did by bringing up her concerns with me was re-establish the insecurities I once had. Insecurities which I have only recently begun to work out of. By bringing her concerns to me, she lessened my confidence.

Later this evening I opened the dialogue to my father and sister. I figured I would get all the analysis out of the way in one day. I heard the same things. "You change so much!".

All I have to say is this: DON'T EXPECT MIRACLES!

Within the past few months I have transitioned from depression and isolation; I began building my life from the most basic and humble place I could have. The roots I have grown in the past few months are small. Their grasp wavers. I am tired of my family expecting me to be who I was before this all happened. For that to happen would be the greatest loss I could imagine. I am who I am because of what I have experienced. I will be who I will be because of every single encounter in my life.

If you do not like who I am becoming, I do not apologize. I wish for understanding. Not that you understand why, but that you allow me to make the decisions I must in order to continue on my path of life. I am 21 years old and trying to figure things out. Grant me that.

The twist of Choice

2010-04-13T08:38:00.002-04:00

A while back- a long while back in the scope of this blog- I wrote about choices. I called it the 'choices conundrum'. It was about staying versus going. Do we have a choice? Or does fate dictate outcomes?

I have made some choices over the past day or so. Some of them are not comfortable choices. Some of them leave others- whom I care very much about- with little consolation. I am trying to figure out what I want. What I want, I am learning, is to know myself. To discover who it is I am.

After going through 3 pivotal years in a cloud of depression, I find myself searching to find myself. I have no idea who I am. To please someone else, we must be pleased with ourselves. Day by day, I am learning to like myself again.

A large part of this has to do with, what I call, a flippant nature. For the past 3 years I was unable to commit to anything. My mindset was so variable that I couldn't stick with something for more than a day. Even that was a lot to ask. My mind was in such a state that I could hardly function as a member of society. Or a brother. Or son.

The further I move from that place, the more stable I become. But I have not expected miracles from this transition. I have been allowing myself to act on my feelings, even when they don't speak to stability. When I share some of my latest ideas to others, they perceive a genuine spontaneity in my actions. Understandably.

But what I hope to convey here, is something else. It is the need to listen to myself. I need to discover my voice. I need to unearth my confidence. I must shake hands with the person I was. The future is bright.

Now, at 21 years of age, I find myself needing to grow. Last month I searched for stability. This month, I rediscovered that it lies within my own walls. What I have searched for for so long is very close. It is I. My flippant nature is nothing short of me getting closer to the answers.

mistruths

2010-04-11T09:48:00.003-04:00

So I haven't been writing much lately. And I have noticed. Stress has built up. Writing here is a great release of energy for me. When I was in my darkest points, this allowed me to utter things I couldn't share with those closest to me. And apparently I still cant:

New Encounter as of 1 minute ago:

It is a Sunday morning. A bright and cheerful spring morning. The family is heading to church, as they have done so for the past 30 years. A whole unit. I don't go anymore. Duh. Why would I intentionally go to a place which makes me feel worse? I don't find church helpful. I find it to be a place which creates fear and angst.

It is also my grandparents anniversary. Brunch is planned after church, and the carload is going from church to brunch. As I don't ride my bike extremely long distances, I politely asked if I could be dropped off at Wegmans before they head into church, and be picked up after. A look of astonishment came over my mother. "So you aren't planning on coming to church". "No", I responded with.

"Don't you feel you could use some church".
"No, No I don't".

She then proceeded to inform me as to how my life was a mess. How nothing is stable.

My response was simple and to the point... I didn't allow the attack to overwhelm me. "In 9th grade I decided to not be confirmed, and have stuck with the choice ever since. It was one of the first difficult choices I made as a young person. It is about time you respect my decision."

And my good intentioned mother came back with, "And that got you real far".

And then I turned the music up. (After informing her that she was way out of line).

-------

It is interesting to me how people looking for something stable in their lives allow themselves to settle on something which doesn't exist. Because we live in an unstable (changing) universe, people search for things which are stable. The only things which are semi-stable are thoughts. Thoughts can be passed down, more or less unchanged. The stability my mother finds in her religion is an addiction to a neurotic thought. My stability, although young and immature, is based on real things. Observable things. As one reading my posts will find, I do not speak out against a creator- I simply believe the current understandings of a creator are entirely wrong. Not even flawed. Wrong.

So sitting through a church service is like being juiced up with mis-truths. Things which taint my reality. The words they speak do not reflect the world I exist in. And so I chose to not be a part of it.

Phili!

2010-04-08T08:56:00.002-04:00

These shots are from a week spent in the lovely city of Philadelphia. Not much more to be said unless I say a lot. For sake of time, enjoy the shots!

Toasted Amaranth with Anise (and then some)

2010-04-06T10:16:00.005-04:00

A major metaphor occurred to me today while making breakfast. Today's recipe will have a metaphor woven into it.

The reason behind today's dish is rooted in an accidental occurrence. Last week, while in Philadelphia, I forgot to have someone pick up my weekly milk delivery. So I got a call from the food store yesterday asking if I was coming to pick it up. I apologized for the delay and picked it up on my way to school to see how the most recent firing went. Although the use by date is a week from today, I am super iffy about raw milk. My decisions is to use the milk for cooking purposes, which will kill most harmful bacteria if they have had time to develop.

An hour later, due to a lengthy cooking process, I have Toasted Amaranth with Anise. So preparing the Amaranth, I decided to try toasting it. I have seen this done for some other grains and thought, 'Why Not?'. At this point I have yet to try it as it is cooling, so I will have to get back to you about the whole 'why not' part. Maybe the taste and texture will tell me why I haven't seen this done yet.

But back to the process: After toasting I added a lot of milk. I seldom measure when cooking grains or rice. This lack of concern allows for more variance in the recipe... something I think is quite necessary. Just as most people like making the same looking pots, repeatable recipes have an heir of austerity. Quite frankly this bores me. Some days I like a more tender grain of rice than others. So add milk to the toasted Amaranth and move on. It will work out one way or another. I moved onto flavoring. I grabbed anise because it seemed logical. What compliments Anise? How about some mild coconut? Some extra fat from coconut oil seemed a smart move. After mush stirring... poof! Anise Amaranth. Still coolin, so i'll get to the flavors in a bit.

As to the metaphor, let me explain the cooking process a bit more thoroughly. So in a pan I'm cooking hundreds of separate pieces of amaranth. The now reduced milk is holding everything together. I am cooking at med high heat. Things are rather controlled. I am the creator of this dish. If things get out of hand, I make changes.

As the heat builds, the mixture becomes very energetic. It begins to boil very frequently between stirring. The boils begin to go air born in a very controlled manner. The chef doesn't want splatter. A med boil is as far as I want to go when cooking with milk.

When the mixture began to boil too quickly, too ferociously, I removed it from the heat and continued stirring. I brought it back under control. Soon it was ready for a lower heat. I continued this process until it was cooked. I kept it balanced and orderly.

I dare you to look at this as a metaphor relating to our existence. Somebody is trying to make something. Be it art or food or just fur the sheer hell of it. We pretty much do what we want, and the exercise of control is limited towards the individual (I don't control each and every individual amaranth grain). But when the whole of the lot gets out of control, something must be done. Changes need to take place before things get out of hand... before tomato sauce is all over the kitchen.

Hm. Did I go too far? I hope not. I think not. I know the metaphor is valid, expressing it with a keyboard is a bit harder though. So lets get back to the dish!

The Amaranth was then topped with Maple Syrup (much needed for a bit of sweetness, and honey would do rather nicely), anise seed and some grey sea salt. The toppings are essential and make this dish DELICIOUS!

NCECA

2010-04-06T07:38:00.005-04:00

The clay conference in Phili was a great success. I learned a lot on many levels. In terms of clay and art, I found myself bolstered by a community of creative people. Notably, I also discovered that at the largest and most established ceramic venue in the United States, nobody is making the same stuff I am. At first, this discovery came upon me with a bit of resentment. All I saw were pots. Pots Pots Pots. Little cups, big cups, pitchers, bowls and plates. Everywhere. In every shape and form. Slip cast, thrown and hand built. Electric, wood and gas fired. Stoneware, porcelain and earthenware. Pot after pot after pot. To someone who is coil building rather large structures, the venue offered little in terms of readily observable relationships. NCECA should be called The North American Pottery Conference.

With this said, I had a rewarding experience on many levels. For one, I love Philadelphia. A second side note- and one which anyone who knows me will attest- is my love for food. Being a stones throw from Phili, and having a sister in the city, has allowed me to learn about the best places to entertain my pallet. But truthfully, the conference fantastic. Despite having a shriveled and dry lineup of lectures, NCECA showed me a great time.

One of my goals for the conference, and those who know me are privy to the fact that I dream big, was to find an Italian sculpture academy to take me under its' wing. As it was, I didn't find the above mentioned. But those who know me also know that I am not one who is easily dismayed. As I walked through the large hall where the exhibitors were grouped, I began piecing together a new plan. I realized that to get what I want, I would have to go to Italy. (More on this later)

The conference also offered to me sights of the newest equipment on the market. I saw a thirty-thousand dollar kiln which goes from room temperature to cone 10 in something as rediculous as 60 minutes. Yeah, I thought that too. It also had a plethera of automatic emergency shutoffs, a completely automated firing system and the fact that it looked utterly well built, designed and implemented. I think it was German... no shocker there.

What else to mention about the conference? I pulled a lot of information from those pots. I studied their individual qualities. I guess I looked at every piece as an entirely unique sculpture. I found myself attracted to those pieces whose emphasis was on the structure of the form. Those that sold themselves as bright, shiny and opulent in decoration were pieces that I looked over. I am searching for form. I am looking to explore the hidden structure of clay. It's exterior appearance is less interesting to me. All this I learned from the pots.

It was a particularly beautiful day on Wednesday. I had no commitments, the sun was shining and I was walking. Naturally, I walk slowly. This is an interesting thing to do in a large city. Everything moved so quickly. Everyone was in a rush to get to where they had to be. I began relating to the things which didn't move so quickly. Trees, buildings, streets and bridges. These things moved in ways far more slowly than everything around them. I realized at that time, what I attempt to create with my sculptures are forms which are grounded. Things which are impressive by their own tangible merit, and not by some decoration or superficial quality. As one may see, the awareness I have towards my art evolved rapidly this past week.

On Friday I spent an afternoon at the Philadelphia Art Alliance checking out some wonderful semi-functional wares. I went with a cool gal from Upstate New York who knew just about everyone on display, or so it felt. An Alfred education has some great perks.

I also had time to visit one of my favorite artists. His name has appeared on my blog a couple times now. Steve Tobin. Some of his clay work involves the creation of large, spherical orbs of clay which are exploded with homemade dynamite.

Later, glass is placed in the depression formed within the geometry, and once fired a pool of thick glass is formed. My favorite ones consists of transparency within the glass. Cracks develop and a whole world is created within every piece. Unfortunately I was unable to speak with him, as it was his opening. I find his story fascinating- educated in mathematics and now creating some of the coolest stuff out there.

There is so much more to tell about the conference. For now, adios.

free me

2010-03-29T21:40:00.003-04:00

you're being competitive with yourself.

jen made a great comment to me about a half hour ago. i am too hard on myself. i hold a standard far higher for myself than i do for anyone else. this is personal discrimination. i am exhausted from competing against myself. i just want to be me.

Creating myself

2010-03-29T20:43:00.003-04:00

how is it i still feel trapped? with all the freedoms i have fought to have in my life, how is i dont feel that way. how is it, some nights, when everything is going right, yet feel amiss. what is this thing i am lacking? what is this thing i long for? it isnt material. its within my mind. something lacking. i am writing this from a place which isnt very sad or dark, but i am noticing this perspective. i find a fascinating place for it not only teaches me the happiness is a choice. i can choose to confront the things in my life. i can chose to rescind. i can engage and be happy. i can withdrawal and be sad. so what is this line? this place where i feel neither engaged nor removed. its slightly awkward. a strange middle ground where life is so mediocre. i cant say i altogether like it.

i feel as though i am so young, to the point where i dont know how to engage with the world around me. i know how things work, superficially, but when i attempt to go deeper i feel as though an explorer lost at sea. i feel as though i have no direction other than the antiquated charts which my parents and society instilled in me. and because of this, i feel as though i need to explore everything on my own. but this is scary. i dont know how to handle relationships! how am i ever going to make a living?! as i write this, i am realizing a larger trend. i dont have a perspective of my own yet. i dont have a framework to base my choices and aspirations upon. some will argue with this. if that is the case than i havent described myself properly. MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD IS SO YOUNG. THE THINGS I DONT KNOW ABOUT OVERWHELM ME. I AM AWARE OF SO MANY THINGS WHICH I DONT KNOW ABOUT. The unknowingness scares me.

I dont have norms in the way other people seem to. I dont really have guidelines. I go by circumstances. This can be beautiful and refreshing, and also brings one into the present moment. But when one is in the present and wants to decide on a course of action, I often feel lost. The options confound me. I weigh the options, usually only the extremes though. And after lots of thinking I have usually thought so much that I am both out of the present moment and missing the opportunity which was presented to me. I am left at the curb because I dont have a quick reference within my mind. I act spontaneously but only with things i am comfortable with. i feel like a student of life who has been handed a 1000 page text book. so many things to learn. the process of growing up seems painful. this is only one side of course.

so. we learn by experience. if i am overwhelmed it is because i havent experienced enough. right? i dont know much about relationships because i havent had many. i dont know about bar tending because i never made drinks. i havent studied italian and therefor i dont know it. its casuse and effect collin. the things you dont know enough about will inform you through your interctions. be open to experiences, the more varied the better. i cant expect to have all the answers. im 21 years old. well, almost 22 but whos counting.

A Random Week

2010-03-27T13:32:00.005-04:00

I am on a vacation!

For the next 10 days, I will not work. I will be pursuing dreams. The next week will involve art, food, inhalants, tea, socializing and lots and lots of art.

I am volunteering at NCECA, one of the largest ceramic conferences in the world. It is in my backyard... Philadelphia. For the next week, I will be there. In the city. With friends. With family.

My goals are pretty simple for the week. Fulfill my volunteer obligations which allows me open doors to all conference exhibits. I hope to visit galleries around the city. In the process I will speak to people who will know how to help me with the next year or two of my life. I fully plan on meeting a person or people who will open to me the doors I am waiting to be opened. I call this confidence. I call it faith in the universe. I believe when we are ready for something, the universe makes it available. Perhaps we make it available to ourselves. I don't know how the universe works, but I do know that when we are ready, things happen.

That's the clay part of things. I have other ideas as well. They all merge together into a cohesive, bohemian lifestyle which will last for the week. I will be spending a lot of time at The Random Tea Room. This is one of my favorite places in the city. Divine tea, tranquil atmosphere, splendid music, wonderful people, outdoor seating, local art, sunshine and an awesome owner.

So far my week consists of art and tea. What else life needs, I simply don't know. Only kidding Jennie! I will also be spending evenings with my awesome sister who is graciously providing me a couch! Somehow we have fun doing absolutely anything... or nothing. I'd like to do some thrifting, find a cool (local) bookstore and eat yummy food. I bought a pack of American Spirits the other night to go with my Bohemian week.

In my downtime, I have some ideas in mind. Yesterday I posted some things I wanted to write about. Things like my goals, a 5 year plan, and what it's like being a 21 year old.... what it's like being this 21 year old. Stay tuned folks.

Sharing with my Mother

2010-03-26T13:40:00.003-04:00

Upon arriving home from work, my mother played 20 questions with me. She doesn't like that I call our dialogue this. So often, though, I am left feeling assaulted by questions. There is certainly a price to living with your parents. However, I am discovering the benefit of this keen curiosity. My mother knows me better than anyone else. When I am willing to share what is going on in my life- especially the problems- she (can) offer valuable advice.

Today I opened up. We talked about why I don't feel like talking most of the time and why I grow impatient. I explained the 20 questions. How whenever I come in the door, I must put up my fists for the attack. Where were you? How long were you there? Who did you go with? What time did you leave? How is so-and-so doing? How is the coffee shop? Anyone else there? ...................

SUPERficial question after superficial question. The attempt, they say, is to know more about what is going on in my life. My response- the kinds of questions you are asking are not going to get responses which teach you about me or my life. You need to ask the right kind of questions if you want to learn about someone in any meaningful way. Don't ask me 5 times a day how my day was. Ask me once in a while how my life is- If there is any way you can help. My main frustration is that I am asked the same question multiple times a day, and yet no valuable information is shared. I am left feeling assaulted and not wanting to share my personal life to people who only ask superficial questions. If you want to know about me... ask question about ME! (But don't overdue it).

So I explained all this to my mom. In the process, we entered into a very nice dialogue. The main course of conversation was about how I am getting to a point in my life where I am able to ask people directed questions. As I become myself, or return to myself- or whatever it is I am doing- I am discovering many things. I am finding things I like and things I don't like. I am forming ideas. I am realizing a framework in which to place knowledge. I am beginning to be able to separate problems in my life from everything else. In short, I am becoming aware enough to know what questions to ask, and who to ask.

After all this, I continued by saying I am learning my strengths and weaknesses. For the past few years, I had an immature utopian idea that I could be 'great' at anything I set my mind to do. While I think this cliche holds some worth, it is altogether amiss. We all carry with us certain skills and lack others. The result of our unique set of abilities is our personality. My mother, when hearing this, dared me to list my weaknesses.

I only thought of two responses before our dialogue continued on a tangent, they are below.

1) introverted.

2) not having an understanding of what the future holds for me. for the past few years i have made lifestyle choices which are rather alternative. my current lifestyle follows no foreseeable path, and so this lack of destination sometimes leaves me feeling a bit in the dark. my mother was quick to respond. she asked me if i thought anyone my age had any more a grasp of the future than i do. she said that the past few years were not a waste. she included her own generation as well... saying that 50 year olds often have a very flimsy grasp of their futures. it is not so much a personal flaw as it is a part of living. especially for a 21 year old.

We discussed other things as well. I will elaborate on them in the coming days.

5 year plan.

10 year plan.

figuring out life, as a 21 year old.

my interests:

questions i have:

Shaved Carrot with Tropical Fruit Buckwheat

2010-03-25T09:40:00.003-04:00

This morning I decided to make something special for breakfast. I am tired of not feeding myself nutritious meals. Filler some may call it- bread, crackers and the likes. These things promote short term fullness, but lack nutrition.

Today I began by preparing organic buckwheat, which is boiled in much the same way one makes oatmeal. I occasionally have buckwheat in the mornings. Usually, I top it with walnuts, raisins and maple syrup. Lately though, I have noticed how 'sucrose' my diet is. There is so much sugar everywhere. The first substitute which came to mind was cheese. But I am tired of this food being so central in my diet. It can go on anything, and requires almost no preparation. I withheld.

I realized this morning the main reason I don't use more vegetables- they aren't very convenient. Like fruit, they require washing; but unlike fruit, they almost all require cooking (I am not a raw foodie). Vegetables have an uncanny way of not making it to the table.

I pulled two carrots out of the crisper and began peeling them. I was going to coin them when I realized, yet again, that cooking can be a fun and creative process. So I shaved the carrots, created a birds nest, and sauteed them in a delectable, organic, coconut oil.

The dish was coming together, but I needed something else. It wasn't yet a balanced dish for my taste buds. Again I opened the fridge. I saw beautiful oranges and a nearly ripe avocado. Are there any better foods on the planet!!!

The other day, a man at the brewery I work at suggested a unique guacamole recipe. He adds citrus (whole sections of orange) to his guac. I questioned the idea, but this morning it gave me the confidence to combine these foods in a different way. I new I wanted the orange and avocado separate, but felt the avocado needed somethings else as it wasn't fully ripe. I created a simple dressing of raw organic apple cider vinegar, lime juice and grey sea salt. I let the avocado marinade as the buckwheat finished cooking.

In 15 minutes (the cooking time for buckwheat) I had this meal completed. I finished it with a drizzle of flax oil.

The flavors worked wonderfully together. Flax oil is a very overwhelming flavor, so be careful in its usage. Coconut oil is my new best friend. I learned of its cooking potential when in Arkansas, from a man who makes french fries- fried in coconut oil- every morning for breakfast. He is one of the more physically fit and energetic 60 some year old men I have met. After reading about its fat content, and its high heat capacity, I knew I had a good replacement for the overly used olive oil. And it casts an incredible flavor upon the foods!

The avocado with bitterness from the cider vinegar played wonderfully with the citrus. Shaved carrot was a great textural element. A suggestion would be to cook with high heat and attempt fry the underside of the carrots- creating a crispy surface.

A Work in Progress

2010-03-24T17:14:00.003-04:00

This is my most recent sculpture. As of yet it is untitled. For a few weeks I thought I knew its name. Now, I am no longer sure. Once it is complete I will know. I will say- its surface is utterly irresistible. I sanded this smoother than marble. Maybe that's a fib. But my god it feels good. I want to caress it. And the rest of the people in my class felt the same way.

It is sitting in the electric kiln, ready to be fired. Lets cross our fingers!

The Morning of Spring

2010-03-20T09:21:00.004-04:00

A most glorious situation surrounds me this morning. I lay, on the first morning of spring, in the urban jungle of New York City. Sunlight is bathing me in warmth. I bask in it, as I wait for Jennie. Iron & Wine plays in the background. A full day of activities ahead of us.

I feel utterly fortunate. I feel connected to something so beautiful. I am happy.

Tea Time

2010-03-18T11:08:00.003-04:00

Today I spent some time outside. Returning to the gardens are a shaking from the winter rut. Not so much a rut of course, but you know what I mean. I don't wish to write about winter now though... I do that more often towards the end of fall. I enjoy looking ahead more often than reminiscing.

This is why, perhaps, I wish to write about spring. According to man, spring will begin this coming Saturday. To me, it has already begun. I think when man defines things, he makes statements which are not universal. Personally, I don't perceive 4 separate seasons. I see two. Summer and Winter. The others, fall and spring, are transitional periods between the two extremes. Defining beginnings or endings is quite frivolous. I of course understand the equinox, but find this interpretation of the changing seasons to be rather extreme.

Spring began for me nearly two weeks ago. It began with the first warmth. It came with the first buds on trees. The green tips poking through last years leaves were what signaled to me the coming of spring.

This year, I am much more in tune with climate. Biking through this entire winter has brought me to understand more subtlety within out weather. There were days in February where I already noticed the changing light. I noticed the different kinds of cold. And how a cold winter can transition to a cold spring long before the calender tells us so. Spring began much earlier this year.

Yet I will celebrate on Saturday, the beginning of spring. I will rejoice in the scientifically calculated arrival of longer days.

I will tell you that we need not a calender to inform us of spring. It hints its splendor all around us. Simply paying attention, and being willing to see its beauty, will grant you the most cherished of sights. To me, spring means the coming of life. The rebirth of a planet. This is geographically tied, of course, for not all parts of this planet are undergoing such a process. Some are actually going through the very opposite. On a personal and regional level, rebirth is occurring. Open your eyes to life. To yours and all the other which surrounds us.

This spring and summer, I have some plans. Anyone who knows me doesn't know my plans, because they know me well enough to not believe my plans until I begin acting on them. In short, what I am saying is that I am no longer looking for a great escape. And this, I believe, is my final plan for the next few months.

I am finding happiness here. I am meeting people and sharing in pleasant times. I see hope here. I see possibilities. I have pretty well decided that I don't want to grow up yet. I am granting myself 2 years to embrace life before returning to school. This means that from ages 22 to 24, I will explore life in whichever ways I see fit. I am finding it quite fit to stay here for a little while.

This summer I am considering working on a tea farm. I am certain I will like this.

Linguistic Mathematics

2010-03-18T10:12:00.002-04:00

I asked myself a question today.

"Are you afraid of depression returning".

I sat with confidence as I answered this. No. No I am not.

Because I will now know what it is.

And knowledge is power.

Ignorance is not bliss.

Ignorance is anxiety.

Anxiety is hell.

Therefor:

Ignorance is hell.

We'll see where this goes!

2010-03-14T11:25:00.002-04:00

But for now, it will continue. I need to vent. Too much living at home going on the past few days. Too much mom going on. Sorry mom. But too much.

Too much prying. Too much conversation which overwhelms me with your personal matters. I hope you understand. But too much.

Too much not respecting my wishes. Too much forgetting what I tell you about my preferences. I cant be on call because of your insecurities. Too much contact. It is unhealthy.

So Collin. Fuel your escape. This is the purest fuel. The most potent rocket booster available. It will propel me from Allentown as though liquid hydrogen launching a space craft into the vast expanses of space.

Harness this energy Collin. For years you have known all these feeling. Now, for the first time, you are entirely capable of doing something about it. Something long term. Don't make it grand. Keep it simple. Keep it in line with who you are.

I need to remind myself every so often. I had a poster in my room for a little while titled 'remind yourself'. I made this sign for times like today. When I lose sight of my larger self. When I neglect my whole story. When I only see myself as an Allentownian. So remind yourself Collin. Tell yourself who you are. A young man beginning his conscious life. Transitioned from a period a great personal difficulty, you are discovering yourself in every encounter. You are an energetic, positive and accomplished individual. You have a network of family and friends that will hold you steady through hard times. You have a wonderful ability to express yourself. A nearly constant desire to improve the world. An appreciation of beauty. An incredible girlfriend.

I love life. I simply realize there is room for improvement. A tricky maneuver is to become content while still working towards another goal. Yet this is something necessary to attempt. For in the time one spends working towards their goal, a great deal of life can be lost if they are not willing to find the positives in their present situation. Yet one can become more comfortable than they would have wished if they do so, and the result may be an unfulfilled goal. I am trying to do this. I am finding that life here is not bad. But living with my parents sucks. I don't like to think I will blossom when I leave, but I think I will open up like a lotus flower in the chakra of a god.

So I googled 'lotus flower' and this came up. Is it ever a match! A lotus flower bean bag. First of all... awesome idea. I will have one of these for my children. Secondly, I feel like that child. He is in the midst of something he doesn't really get. He thinks it's neat, but hasn't really grasped it. The world is opening to him. He is opening to it.

I'm back.

2010-03-11T16:40:00.002-05:00

I am sorry to say, but I feel as though this blog will be coming to an end.

I am discovering that for the past 3 years I have been a wreck. A sordid, lonely, neurotic and frightened individual. This is changing.

I am beginning to see my life again. The whole thing. For the first time in years, I can recall my past.

I don't know how to describe what I went through. No words to place on the way I felt.

But I will try. Now.

For the past 3 years I did not exist. I was a person who walked around and looked like me, but I was not Collin. I was a facade. This may sound exceptionally existential, and I assure you it was.

I was trapped within thoughts. I could not escape the figments of my mind. I was captured and tortured by my own mind. Enslaved in my own internal world.

I couldn't think logically. I couldn't act. I couldn't plan. I couldn't participate in the external world. It was too painful a place. Too frightening. Too overwhelming.

I ran and ran and ran. Faster and faster. Loosing sight of everything. Intentionally I left everything I had ever known. Nothing was valuable. Not even myself.

For the past 3 years I existed nowhere. I didn't develop as an individual. I feel now, as though I am still 19 years old. Fresh from my first year in college. This is how dramatic the past 3 years have been. I am back to who I was. I remember now who Collin is. It was so scary. So lonely. So sad.

I didn't live for the past 3 years. I got by. But barely. I participated in things because I was afraid I would die if I had nothing to live for. I acted from fear. From sadness. Attempting to cling to the last vines of hope. Being nurtured from the last drops of life. I tried so hard to not give up. It took everything I had to simply open my eyes. To say hello to my family.

What happened over the past 3 years is well recorded. In journals, this blog, in drawings, art and my memory. I have chronicled this walk through hell. It is something I never want to forget. But I know I will. For this place is not a place to linger. Once one walks through a desert, clinging to life on their last steps, they will feel no longer the need to go back.

This is why, my blog must end. It is a place with so many memories. So much past. I will not get rid of it, certainly not. But I will move on. I am ready to begin my life again. To be Collin again. Aah, 19 year old Collin. So much to learn. So much to see.

Adolescence

2010-03-10T09:54:00.003-05:00

My past is simplifying. With some space, I am able to see what happened. The near fatal collision with the real world. I was in a major accident. Distance is showing me the larger trend. A trend which was hinted to me, but perhaps in my immaturity, was unable to comprehend its meaning.

Becoming an adult sucked for me. It was a horrible experience, and yet I can proudly say it was one of the most beautiful periods of time I could ever hope to experience. I met myself in the darkest and loneliest places of ones mind. I walked the empty streets of depression and fear and hatred. I lived these days. And because of them, I can see beauty where most others cannot. I can feel beauty. I can experience- in every cell of my body- how incredible life is.

It was a high price though. Three years of my life. Distraught. Afraid. Alone. Directionless. Hopeless. Meaningless. I can write about these now, with distance between them and I. We are now only acquaintances growing even further apart. I don't relate to them anymore. I no longer invite them into my life. I have found others.

The Joy of Life

2010-03-04T16:46:00.004-05:00

I have talked numerous times about the vehicle accident I was in this past year. I thought it worthwhile to share. I feel quite privileged to exist. I have on numerous occasions described my life now as 'bonus'. It showed me the frailty of life. The beauty of existence. I don't know what happened that day. I mean, I do. But after looking at that vehicle, I have some serious questions for the powers that be. Perhaps all I owe is a thank you. And a big thanks to Honda for designing a very safe vehicle.

MMMEEEEEEE

2010-03-04T14:59:00.006-05:00

I have to wise up to the reality of this universe.

Today while laying on my bed, basking in sunshine, I realized something. It came to me that for the past 3 years I have been running away from myself. I was so repulsed by who I was, that I tried everything manageable to forget that person. I mocked him. I found his interests superficial. I ran away from him in every way I could. Today, I it occurred to me that I cant run away from who I was. That period of time is an integral part of who I am, and how I got to where I am today. It is not something to be forgotten, cast aside or escaped from. It is what it is. It is part of me. It is my story. And for the first time, I am proud of it.

I was 19 years old when my entire life turned upside down. That's how it felt at least. Some remote corner of my brain was putting the breaks on everything in my life. Within 1 month I was a person unrecognizable to who I had been previously. I still am not certain why or how this occurred. I am increasingly believing that I was transitioning from adolescence. Let me say this now, I have had a really shitty transition. My external world may not have reflected this. But internally, I was a wreck.

The thing which seems to have changed was my ambition. I lost desire. I lost interest in the world. I thought it hopeless. The people in charge seemed out of reach. So much wrong but no accountability. This was not a pleasant point in history to become an adult in. A world calamity: war, famine, genocide, suicide, pollution, climate change, mass extinction. Need I continue. No wonder I felt helpless. No wonder I felt alone and isolated. What a horrible vista to set ones sights upon.

For some reason, I left school. I'm not sure of the reasons. Well, maybe I know more than I like to admit. But I'm going to be honest- I thought business was the ruin of our species. I thought it evil, corrupt and downright impersonal. I didn't want to sit in a cubicle and pay for a government which didn't do anything beneficial with the taxes I give them. I despised the modern american lifestyle of work, eat, sleep. I also didn't want to be living in a city, which is where my school was located. I detested the idea of paying for college. I was even interviewed by the school newspaper about why I decided not to return.

Collin Cavote entered Temple as an entrepreneurship major in the business honors program during the fall semester of 2006. During his time as a student, he joined Kappa Sigma fraternity and was named to the dean’s list for two semesters.

Cavote said he maintained his enjoyment of learning even though he was “mildly intoxicated half of the evenings of the week.”

“In centuries past, schools were the places where radicals gathered, where philosophers pondered mathematics, where individuals thought how to overthrow the government,” Cavote said. “Education has become a way to indoctrinate the public into the currently held views of the time rather than allowing the public to teach us what they know.”

“My decision to leave Temple wasn’t about a professor, or class, or building, or food, or neighborhood,” Cavote said. “I didn’t want to continue racking up debt for programs and classes that were not bringing me personal satisfaction.”

After the Spring 2007 semester, Cavote moved to the West Coast, where he worked with a family on a small organic farm. He is currently looking for employment in the food industry and hopes to take academic classes in his spare time.

“Throughout my life, I have genuinely enjoyed expanding my sphere of comprehension and understanding,” Cavote said. “Temple simply didn’t seem to offer what my interests entailed.”

The Temple News

I was having really big ideas. Ideas which were very new to me. Yet I knew deep down, that they were lasting. That for my own well-being, I would have to listen to them. In short, it was awareness. What a horribly difficult time to become aware.

I feel like a roadblock has come into my writing right now, but I am going to continue because I am making great progress into understanding me more thoroughly.

So, whats a kid to do? A deans list, honors business student with a top notch internship and every intention of being a millionaire by the time I was 25. Well, if you're me, you throw it all out and start all over. I did. And boy has it sucked.

I am going to wager, and I would love to hear some responses on this, that going through a life crisis at 19 is harder than at 40. Here's why: When you're 40 years old there is a lot of time to look back and regret the things you haven't done. BUT- you are much more capable of an individual to implement the changes you wish to see in your life than is a 19 year old. A 19 year old is going through a whole bunch of other shitty changes at the same time. I'm still trying to figure out how I want to support myself! Hopefully a 40 year old would at least have this figured out. A 40 year old is able to look back at his life and know (very well) what he would like to change. A 19 year old has very little to go off of. He is stabbing in the dark while fully realizing that the things he decides will alter the rest of his life. Daunting. Now I don't have kids or debt or all these other things which I 40 year might have. And perhaps I am comparing apples to oranges. Continuing.

My brain sometimes feels like a jello mold which has been shot out of a canon. Trying so hard to keep its shape with so much force pulling it apart. AGH!

Alright. So this kid feels like he has been completely mislead by his species, society, family and friends. After all, how in the course of 19 years did nobody inform me as to what was really going on? Why didn't anyone tell me that stereotypes are true. That business people are horrifically boring and with evil intentions. Haha.

Back to my story. I'm 19, working a dead end job for a clothing distributor. By dead end, I mean with little chance of changing the world in any big way. (This is usually what I mean when I say dead end). I was drawing a lot. I was really really miserable. I had this feeling though, that I was doing something special. That I was choosing the road less traveled. Paving the way. Opening the trails. But these are romantic notions. I was scared, lonely, worried sick and slipping increasingly into the world of my thoughts. Much more to come about this place.

Nobody seemed able to relate with me. I felt like I was talking to circles about what right angles felt like. Just completely missing the point, all the time. This was a huge rift between my family and I. Every conversation escalated in volume with little to no change in words. I felt pressured by my parents when really they just wanted me to find something to live for again. It must have been traumatic for them to watch their passionate son slip into this coma of indifference. I have yet to really talk to them about this. I will soon.

One of the very few things that interested this newly quasi-aware person, was the green movement. It was the ONLY thing in the world which had redeeming qualities. Politics, economics, religion, industry, etc were all things which were detrimental to our species. The one thing I knew was that I would not intentionally support such systems. I didn't vote, didn't buy things and didn't do much else. I saw how all of these powers were contributing to keeping our species stunted. The only way they made money was by not allowing change to occur. I hated them.

So by the next spring I was 20 years old and brimming with fear. I thought the world was surely on the brink of destruction. (I am laying it all out). My only chance was to get somewhere far away, and if I am discovering anything about myself, it is that I will do what I intend to to. So within a few weeks I hoped on a train and within 4 days, found myself on a rather remote island off the coast of vancouver bc.

Not only did I find the closest things to eden I will likely ever experience, I also became aware of lifestyles which were utterly different. It was through the direct example of extraordinary people whom I will forever hold in my heart, that I began to see that life need not be miserable. That awareness is not a curse. That the best things are simple and free of cost. That nudity is natural. That meals are the focal point of the day. That laying on the beach can be a daily occurrence. That beauty can surround me. That life can be simple and harmonious and splendid.

Then I got a little afraid, hoped on a plain and came back to the place I hated most. I guess this is as good a time as any to explain why I hate this place. First off, it is a horrible place. This has not changed and likely will not in the years to come. I dislike Allentown like a fat kid being fed carrots. We just don't get along. Maybe because I spent 20 years of my life here. But if anything, this would seem to have carved out a special spot in my heart. Nope. Not even close. It's the people. It's the places (or lack there of). It's the lack of creativity. The lack of enjoyment for life. The stiffness. The ugliness. The lack of character and history. The meager appreciation for beauty. Few good restaurants. Nothing to do once the sun sets except sit in a coffee shop which is seemingly on its way out. The green movement is slow in coming. Maybe I could help. I probably would if I didn't hate this place so much.

On my way back from the island, I was thinking... well ill find a place on craigslist in new york state. This is all i was going off of. Big plans here. I was dreaming big. A lot of foresight. A job- no way. To this day, I am not sure what I was thinking. Was I immune to work? Did I think it below me? Ha. I don't know. But for the past 3 years work and I have seldom seen eye to eye.

A few months passed and with my mothers ever constant push towards schooling, I took 4 classes at the community college. I wasn't about to commit to a degree plan. I signed up for the classes I wanted and nothing else. Astronomy, Western History (awesome professor), Cultural Geography (horrible professor), and Ceramics. The history was great. Life changing class. Astronomy was my first and only online class. I basically didn't do anything for the first 3 1/2 months. Then one day in mid april, I decided I should probably start completing my assignments. Yea, I really don't like online classes.

And Ceramics! The love of my life. Well, lets not go that far. Within a few weeks, my sad and lonely self began to feel a change. I noticed my perspective changing. I discovered something which could bring me happiness. And as my overly aware mind was quick to tell me, the only global side-effects of making ceramics is mountain top mining, water pollution and large amounts of electricity and natural gas to fire the work. (This was my main problem during these years. For every activity I engaged in, I would know the repercussions my actions were having upon this planet and other people. This is why I turned away from doing things. Everything I did was harmful to the planet that I had grown up with). I had a personal vendetta to not harm.

SOO... Fast forward 1 year and I am sitting here typing this. In this year I have sold artwork, worked at a baseball stadium selling a product I hope to never sell again, was nearly killed in a car accident, apprenticed a potter, skied at lake tahoe, started DATING someone, and most recently- began to see myself, and my past, as a story worth telling.

Thanks for listening.

Slow Down, You're Moving too Fast

2010-03-02T14:53:00.002-05:00

So I have this idea of slowing down my life. This is a big adjustment.

After leaving education, I slowed down a lot. I laid nude on pristine pebbled beaches, slept until I could sleep no longer and made desserts as often as I felt up for picking fresh berries to fill them. This is the simple I have experienced.

Coming back to civilization has been a little shocking. It is this shock I am realizing. I have sped up a lot. I work 30 hours a week at a restaurant, help out at a coffee shop, and work approximately 20 hours a week in my school studio. I also ride my bike as transportation and am involved with the daily routines of my family. I have also entered into a relationship. Am considering returning to school for architecture. Want to work on organic farms. etc. etc. etc. Somehow life is not so simple.

Slowing down is not easy. I have experienced both extremes but have not figured out how to average them. I want to merge these two paths. It is difficult. It requires diligence. It requires taking deep breaths and realizing that I only have from birth to death. Why rush through it? If I only get to go down the mountain once, I want to take my time. Enjoy the views. Breath the air. Feel the excitement. Live in the calm.

As a more physical explanation, I don't want to stress my body. Stress is the cause of disease. I want to manage my lifestyle. My being. I want to slow my metabolism. I want to calm my mind. I want to put my body through less worry and anxiousness. Putting ones body through such trials will not result in a long term payoff. I look to the Japanese. A slow and contemplative people, historically. Longer lifespan. Creative. Beautiful. A focus on the natural rhythm of life. A oneness with nature.

This idea of slowing down is not new to me. My mother told me frequently when I was younger to slow down. To appreciate the little things. After leaving school, I did. I know one extreme. The extreme simplification. I also know the other. I lived this way for the majority of my life. This is my 'normal'. I would imagine this to be the case for most anyone born into the period of time I am a part of. Since coming back to Allentown, I have taken up my ambitious nature. I already see how simplicity is working its way into my life. I am beginning to 'average out'. This is my biggest hurdle. My largest point of contention.

Designing a New Future

2010-03-02T09:45:00.002-05:00

This is part of the exhibit at the Allentown Art Museum, The Green House. Its focus is highlighting structures which work with the newest technologies, suit their environment, are ecologically responsible and are mature in terms of scale. What is better than a home with solar panels on it? A home half the size with solar panels on it. Scale is a huge factor for green growth. And this exhibit takes this into account... for the most part. Some very interesting concepts were brought to my mind on Sunday. I look forward to stopping back over the next month and seeing what else I can grasp.

The Zen of Snowboarding

2010-03-01T17:00:00.004-05:00

Life feels a bit complicated lately.

I woke from a nap today.

I was calm for the first time in months. The contrast showed me how much stuff is going on in my life. How large some things have become. How vast some conceptions of truth have become. How grand a view of reality I had.

I spoke with my mother today. A brief yet bonding conversation. I believe something we have both been waiting for for almost 3 years. An exchange which brought us together. A friendship. It is nice having my mother back.

She reminded me to stay simple. She is right.

I lose my simplicity when my brain runs rampant. When I hold too many things in it at once. When I cant bring myself to slow down, I must wait for encounters which stop me in my tracks. In this sense, life is still very much a process I am trying to learn. I see a remarkable connection between life and snowboarding- my most recent undertaking.

I went snowboarding for the first time 3 days ago. After falling a few times, I was able to go straight. I was soon able to go rather fast. As turns approached, I realized my limitations. I couldn't slow down. I couldn't stop. I had to completely throw myself down. This is my learning style. I go until I cannot, and then figure out what is holding me up. I try and try and try.

At this point, I am very able to go fast through life. I can advance in absolutely any profession, career, field, discipline or industry I chose. I am excitable. I am powerful. Knowledgeable. Relatable.

But what happens when a twist comes in my path of life? What happens when I am going so fast and come to a point where I need to slow down? What happens if I want to have a leisure period of time? What happens when I am going too fast to slow down?

In terms of snowboarding, I toss myself down in the most controlled fall I can manage. I protect myself as well as possible. I am pretty confident I will be alright. Just get up and try again. Yet in these past 3 days I am realizing that perhaps my approach is more rushed than I would like. Maybe I try so hard to be successful (in the eyes of others) that I lose track of what I hope to experience through my own.

As I write this, I see a magnificent corollary between living and snowboarding. I approach them (and I imagine many other things) the same way. I go fast until I cant. Fall. And pick myself up again.

I am getting tired though. As my body aches from boarding, my mind is exhausted from life. I put so much in and expect so much out. I require so much of my mind and seldom allow for it the luxury of rest.

Snowboarding has allowed for me to connect this scenario. Undertaking a new skill has shown me my style of learning. And by projection, I am able to understand my style of living. I do not want to charge forward anymore. I want to make slow and gradual steps. I want to live life as though floating down a gentle river, not rushing down a mountain slope.

Thank you universe. Thank you mom.

Re-Wire

2010-03-01T14:39:00.002-05:00

Sometimes changes are very difficult. Even the good changes. I guess rewiring our brains isn't the most enjoyable of activities. Some may like it. I am learning to. Some may not know what it feels like. I am learning to.

Anytime you are overwhelmed, persevere. This is how you will overcome. This is how you will teach your brain to react to a new set of circumstances. You will then be ready the next time. You may have developed fears from turning away over and over again. Next time, push your boundaries. The little confidence you gain will propel you into new situations.

The feeling I get when I enter into something utterly new... this relationship perhaps... is exhilarating. Previous to this, I was afraid to really engage in a relationship. I always restrained myself. I never allowed myself to experience what it was like. Never forced my brain to deal with new situations. This person is so different. I said yes. I am rewiring my brain to accept someone into my life. It is really neat.

Saying yes to new things puts your brain to use. If you only engage in routine, you can run on autopilot. By entering into new things, you force yourself to be present. You bring your senses to a heightened state. You begin to LIVE.

Learning is quite similar. Learning is indirect experience. We can read something which someone else has experienced. This is a more subtle way of saying 'yes' to new things. By learning about the world around us- language, geology, music, botany, technology, weather, etc- we create connections in our brains which previously did not exist. Experience is the most lasting and true of teachers. Learning by instruction is a way to explore the world in a more controlled, yet less sensory stimulating way. The more sense we use to engage in a situation, the more solidified the connection will be in our brains.

I am discovering that the way to live is to say yes to new things.

Sculpture

2010-03-01T14:35:00.004-05:00

Lady in the Room. A piece very dear to me. It signifies some things. And truthfully, I find it strikingly beautiful. Each turn presents an utterly new horizon. This is my most accomplished piece to date. Stay with me. Firing and glazing yet to come.

Staying True

2010-02-28T20:08:00.002-05:00

I need to write. Now. I feel pressured. Stretched thin. Worn out. Twisted.

I am a person quite mailable. Not in every way, of course. When it comes to ambitions and personal direction, I am capable of altering myself in nearly every way. When it comes to personal philosophy, I evolve as I learn more.

In other things I am rigid. And it is this rigidity which produces difficult days. I am going to do my best to inform you why.

When it comes to my growth as a person, I am very rigid. However, it isn't my resisting change which creates frustration. It is me recognizing ways in which I am held back from changing which create the most distress. When I notice ways which prevent my growth, I grow angry with them. This is what is happening.

Coming back to Allentown was a big step for me. My posts for the past few months will attest to this. I came back with every intention of moving past my old routine. I wanted to not run away from this place. I aimed to forgive this area. For the most part, I am doing exquisitely.

Lately, my personal relationships have been the most difficult. The relationships with my parents have been trying. It is with these people that I am most ingrained as a person whom I no longer am. It is in their minds that I am still a young child. It is the their views of me which have not changed. It is me trying to change myself, but having a constant reminder of who I was. It is a thing I cannot escape. It is a ghost I cannot leave.

What has happened to my relationships with my parents is simple. I have went out from them and discovered a much larger world than they know. I have experienced ways of life which they have not grasped. I have changed in ways which they will probably never grasp. This has created quite a rift. It is like a river which has eroded a vast canyon between us. We are from the same, but something has come between us. This metaphor lacks a significant aspect though. I am no longer even the canyon wall. I am millions of pieces of sand and earth which have been carried down the river rapids. I am completely changed. I no longer associate with what I was. I am transformed.

My discomfort comes when I try to hold onto my transformation, while living yet again with my parents. I hold onto what I have learned and experienced because I know that beyond a doubt it is more truthful than what I am being told. What I have learned is a perspective. It is built on rationalism, honesty and a quest for peace. I have realized that most people do not live these out. And living in an environment where these are not practiced is very difficult for me. It is swimming upstream. Running a marathon. With hindsight I know this whole journey will be helpful. I will believe even more in what I have learned because I have fought for it. And this is why I do not like living with my parents. I feel it is a constant fight just for me to remain the person I wish to be.

I live a constant battle trying to remain optimistic, trusting and happy. When I am home, there are constant reminders of the very opposite things I wish to live out. It can become so easy to lose track of the things which are the most important to me. All the comments which feel like criticism erode my confidence. The most difficult thing regarding this whole scenario is that I cannot share this with them. Each attempt is met with closing off. Every example is seen as a personal attack. Every conversation is met with their inability to recognize what I am telling them. They are not aware enough to see fault in themselves. They don't believe themselves capable of changing. They do not want to change.

And so I feel stuck. I don't want to be the son who only calls a few times a month. I want to have close relationships with my parents. But there is something even more important to me. It is my own sense of self. The only way I have found to stay true to myself while living at home is to pull away from them. This saddens me. But for now, it is the only way. I will not listen to all the cant's and shoulds and negativity and fear and hatred and sarcasm and confusion and irresponsibility. I know that these things are a choice. I chose not to live them out. I am not yet strong enough to surround myself with people who do, and still remain true to myself. I am still mailable. I am not detached enough from them to recognize what is occurring all the time. I get caught up. I get emotional. Scared. Lonely.

Today was one of those days. Now I am going to talk to a special someone.

A Man for Metal

2010-02-27T07:24:00.005-05:00

On display at the Baum School is sculptor David Phillips. I found a few of his pieces quite striking, predominantly these two. The exhibition left me feeling a big cold though. It was metal everywhere. There is something wonderfully calming and unified about metal work, but I occasionally feel a bit dry after experiencing a lot of it. Looking through his website showed me an entirely different artist altogether. Once installed in the outdoors or in spaces devoted to the work, they blossom. They unfurl as though fiddlehead ferns escaping winter. I can image these pieces outdoors, with plants growing around them. Contrast.

Click on his name (above) to find out more.

Two ways to Skin a Cat.

2010-02-27T07:02:00.002-05:00

I learned the second last nigh.

Since I can remember, I have been a skier. My father instilled this in me early on, and for this I am quite grateful. I can get from the top of a mountain to the bottom with speed, control and a bit of grace.

Snowboarding proved to be a whole new set of skills. It requires use of different muscle groups, an entirely new technique and the down payment of some black & blues. I am proud to admit that I learned quickly. My next visit I will be ready to cruise. There will be a next visit.

The main process of learning went something like this: 1) Go straight. 2)Try to turn. 3) Realize the way I turned for skiing wont work. 4)Figure out how to stop (which at first implied falling). 5) Ask someone at the lift the best way to slow down (by this point I am quite capable of going fast). 5) Retire early, have some whisky, think about this learning process and see how I will improve on it for my next visit. And of course the underlying theme to this process was falling. But I assure you, a child will never learn to walk without falling. It is just part of the game. (It was comical that I wore a fabric coat rather than a waterproof coat. All the wonderful powder we received the past few days stuck to me in the same way static electricity pulls ones hair towards a balloon.)

A story of Change

2010-02-26T14:57:00.002-05:00

I was dreaming this morning. A deep sleep coaxed me into such a state. It was so pleasant. I remember looking at a huge book. A massive story which unfolded before me upon the pages. It was our story. Our journey as a part of life upon this planet. I watched as history unfolded upon the pages. It was a miraculous dream. I saw volcanoes decimating life, allowing for a new swell of growth. I saw how each 'devastating' occurrence which we describe as catastrophic was a chance for Life to alter. For it evolve. For the universe to express itself in a new way. Beautiful things will never come to a static universe. Change is required. Change is what allows for orchids and redwood ceders. Change is what brings the tides to the beach. Sunlight to our eyes. Happiness to our hearts. The rule of this universe is change. It is when we accept this that we can truly begin to live.

I encourage you to read the book I read this morning in my dream. It is inscribed on every mountain. Carved into the bark of every tree. Seen from every sunrise. Experienced with every beat of our hearts.

Open Your Eyes.

What the Skies Brought Forth

2010-02-26T11:18:00.000-05:00

Being a kid

2010-02-24T16:07:00.003-05:00

I felt like doing something for the past half hour. Yet I also felt extremely lethargic. Everything which came to mind seemed slightly too ambitious for how I am feeling. I am a bit exhausted. I have had 3 solid days in the studio. The result are 3 pieces which are slowly drying. I am thrilled with these pieces. They are what my ability is now. They speak to the changes I have undergone. The technical ability I have learned. The variety of my skill. And they speak to how I can set my mind to create something.

For the past week I have been wanting to take photos of the pieces and post them here for you to see. And for the past week, I have taken my camera. Each day, while riding home, I realized I forgot to photograph them. So it seems that you will have to wait.

All this clay tired me out. Biking through sleet and rain doesn't necessarily boost the energy reserves. Some days though, it does. Some days I feel so alive when I am racing my bike across a bridge, 34652354 feet in the air. Gusts of wind blowing around me. Rain in my eyes. Pebbles flicking out from the tires. Cars racing by. My heart pumping. My legs churning. My mind as calm as a leaf floating on a placid lake. It is times like this, when most people would squirm away and give up, that I feel the most alive. It is when I persevere against so many elements that I feel engaged. It reminds me of myself. It places me into the scale.

I am biting my nails as though I am nervous. What am I nervous about? Changing my plans? Not really. I am thrilled about it. About work? Definitely not. It has become so routine that nervousness is one of the least present emotions felt. About the long term? I don't think so. I trust in myself and the universe to know that my life will be as well as I choose it to be. I think I bite my nails because I have unused energy. I have been thinking the past few days about the world I grew up in. About how different it is than any other point in history. At how utterly unique this time period is. It is so fast and has so many 'things'. I am part of the hyper attentive generation. Or is this generation becoming the new standard? Either way, our brains are evolving to keep up with all this new stuff. The reason the more recent generations have such rapid changes in attentiveness is because they are growing up in environments which require constant attention on multiple things. And until we are capable of such multi-tasking, we will keep diagnosing this problem. The technology that we live with on a daily basis is something extremely new to our species. It was a quantum leap. We went from paper and pencil to touch screens in less than half a century. No wonder our kids cant focus on homework. What is happening is not a lack of attentiveness. It is the same old amount of attention that our grandparents had (perhaps more) yet it is diversified across so many realms all at once, that we get the wrong impression. Our youth focus on so many things because there are so many things to focus on. Generations ago, we thought about the family, the farm and perhaps school. Now there are countless ways to occupy our minds. And this is exactly what kids do. Kids cant organize their thoughts the way adults can. Everything is mushed together. Imagine trying to be a kid nowadays. For all the 'wonderful things' the past few generations have made to make life easier, being a kid is harder than ever. There are so many expectations from so many different people, and we hear about them all constantly because of technology updating us every few hours about changes in such expectations. We try to keep up with all these things and we burn out. We run out of energy. We forget to give ourselves a break. We don't check in. We don't think we have the time to sit back and contemplate. And by doing this we can live whole lives... whole generations.... whole epochs of human history without every asking 'What am I doing?".

I aim to ask these questions both of myself and of my species. I am making great progress on a personal level. Now comes the rest.

Re-Birth

2010-02-21T12:28:00.000-05:00

Filling In the Holes

2010-02-21T12:26:00.000-05:00